7 Ways to Cope With an Annoying Friend
**Updated: Originally posted 5/5/2015
I’ve discovered with age that people tend to get on my nerves a lot more. I don’t like people as easily as I used to. Quite frankly, I have less patience to put up with people’s crap. This has sometimes made it difficult for me to create relationships with people that annoy me. I went through a period several years ago where I was having to relearn how to be a friend.
It was actually kind of weird and awkward. I always considered myself a person who makes friends easily. I had a lot of friends in high school, in college, and at work. Unfortunately though, due to seasons in life, transitions, and seasons of friendships, there was a period where I found myself with fewer close friends than I used to have. I just assumed making close friends would be easy, a piece of cake. I had a wake-up call–it wasn’t! It takes work. I had to be a lot more intentional and purposeful about it.
Something I learned was that I had to put myself out there and step outside of my comfort zone a lot. I had to place myself in settings where making and cultivating friendships was possible. Through that process there were a lot of people that I just flat-out didn’t like. They were annoying! Who wants an annoying friend? Therefore, I would immediately write a lot of people off…
Annoying friend alert!! She’s a know-it-all (imagine a loud buzzer sound here)
Annoying friend alert!! She talks too much (buzzer sound again)
Annoying friend alert!! She talks like an immature teenager (another buzzer sound)
Annoying friend alert!! She’s selfish, always wants to do things her way, interrupts me all the time, brags too much… (buzzer, buzzer, buzzer)
Common denominator
I’m sure you get the picture. I could go on and on about why I decided someone would be an annoying friend. The thing is, it seemed like anyone I met somehow got on my nerves. Then I realized…maybe the problem wasn’t everyone else, maybe the problem was me! I was the common denominator here. Was I being too picky and lacking grace?
I finally recognized that EVERYONE will annoy me at some point! Even I can be an annoying friend at times. I know…that’s probably hard to believe. 😉 Suddenly, I remembered a very dear friend of mine that I had originally written off the moment I met her. My first impressions of her were that we would NOT get along, at all. However, the more I got to know her, the more I grew to like and love her. Now, I simply cannot imagine my life without her. She has been one of the most amazing friends a person could ever ask for. Quite honestly, she is a gift from God in my life…and I almost missed it.
Wise Counsel
That memory made me reconsider some of the people I had started writing off. Well that AND another friend of mine gently nudged me to give some of the people another chance. She confronted me about a particular person and said, “Tracy, she’s really not that bad. Give her another chance.” She had to coax me a few times actually. On a separate occasion when I was declining to attend an event where this particular person would be, my wise friend said, “Please come. If you don’t have fun you don’t have to come next time.” She encouraged me to have an open mind and give people the benefit of the doubt.
Reluctantly, I took her advice. I’m so glad she pushed me out of my comfort zone too. I have, indeed, made some new friends that I would have otherwise cut off, and they’re actually turning out to be pretty great. 🙂 I’ve learned that someone you really dislike now may end up being a great friend! They may not be an annoying friend after all.
Take Some Practical Steps to Cope With an Annoying Friend:
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First, give people more than one chance.
Or two. Or three. Keep an open mind with people, and give others the benefit of the doubt. Even God gives multiple chances.
“But you, O Lord, are a God merciful and gracious, slow to anger and abounding in steadfast love and faithfulness.” Psalm 86:15 (ESV)
“Where is the god who can compare with you—wiping the slate clean of guilt, turning a blind eye, a deaf ear, to the past sins of your purged and precious people? You don’t nurse your anger and don’t stay angry long, for mercy is your specialty. That’s what you love most.” Micah 7:18 (MSG)
Obviously you will have a limit (it may not be 70 times 7! 🙂 Matthew 18:21-22). It’s also wise and prudent to set boundaries and guard your heart. Just realize that one or two offenses or annoyances may not be just cause to completely write someone off. You never know…one more chance may earn you an irreplaceable, lifelong friend.
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Second, realize that sometimes what annoys you about other people is a self-reflection of what you don’t like about yourself (it’s just easier to project it onto others).
Do you possess some of the same qualities that annoy you about that other person? Make sure that you are not doing the kinds of things your annoying friend is doing. You reap what you sow. If somebody is annoying you, there’s a good chance that you’ve been annoying to others in a similar manner.
“Do not be deceived: God is not mocked, for whatever one sows, that will he also reap.” Galatians 6:7 (ESV)
“Search me, God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting.” Psalms 139:23-24 (NIV)
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Then, have different kinds of friends that balance you out.
It’s a fact of life that you will have some needy friends. A needy friend can sometimes turn into an annoying friend. It’s not necessarily bad to have needy friends. We are meant to help one another, and we are all needy from time to time. They can be very draining on us at times though. In order to balance it out, we also need friends that will fill us back up, encourage us, build us up and refresh us.
I think of it like a sponge. You can squeeze a sponge that’s been soaked with water and wring the water out, but at some point, unless it’s filled back up with water, it will be unable to keep giving water out. We are no different. Needy people will suck us dry unless we have other friends that fill us back up and refresh us.
“Just as lotions and fragrance give sensual delight, a sweet friendship refreshes the soul.” Proverbs 27:9 (MSG)
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Next, an honest conversation may be necessary for an annoying friend that becomes too needy.
It is possible for some people to become leeches. In addition to having friends to keep balance, it may be necessary at times to have a heart-to-heart discussion with your overly needy, annoying friend to discuss their needy tendencies. At some point you’ll need to determine if you might be enabling their needy behavior by letting it go on. You might need to have a conversation that goes something like this:
“I know you’re really going through a lot right now. I’ve tried to be there for you as much as possible, and I really want to be a good friend to you. Lately, it’s starting to take its toll on our friendship because of the demand on my time and energy (which also takes away time and energy that I need to spend on my own problems, family, other friends, job, etc.). I just wanted to give you a heads-up that I need to pull back a little. This in no way means I don’t want to be your friend. We can still hang out, talk and so on, but it will just be on a more limited basis for the time being.”
This is basically just a lengthier version of the cliché “I need some space” speech. They may not like to hear this and may not even respond very well, but if they truly want to preserve the friendship they will honor your request to back off a little. The book Boundaries: When to Say Yes, How to Say No to Take Control of Your Life by Henry Cloud and John Townsend might be a beneficial read for you in situations like these.
“Guard your heart above all else, for it determines the course of your life.” Proverbs 4:23 (NLT)
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Speak the truth in love.
Sometimes an annoying friend just needs someone to be straight-up honest with them. Your approach is key though! This is also something that should only be done if you already have relationship and rapport established with that person. Telling a fairly new friend that something they do bothers you might put a quick end to that friendship. Plus it’s just tacky (read more about making others feel taller, not smaller—this would also be a good post to read to make sure that YOU’RE not the annoying friend!).
“Instead, we will speak the truth in love, growing in every way more and more like Christ, who is the head of his body, the church.” Ephesians 4:15 (NLT)
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Pray for grace and give grace.
I define this kind of grace as the ability to handle and/or deal with things that you might not ordinarily be able to handle. This kind of grace is God’s ability and enabling power working through you. Ask God to help you to be more patient with them, to be able to tolerate them better, and to be able to see them through God’s eyes (how God sees them and the potential and good qualities that He sees). When you can see an annoying friend through God’s eyes, they tend to be more bearable and a lot less annoying. Besides, sometimes you’re going to need some grace in return.
“Treat others the same way you want them to treat you.” Luke 6:31 (NASB)
“Do not judge others, and you will not be judged. Do not condemn others, or it will all come back against you. Forgive others, and you will be forgiven.” Luke 6:37 (NLT)
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Finally, focus on the positive and don’t dwell on the annoying.
Stewing on the habits of an annoying friend will only make you more irritated. Concentrate on their good qualities and the benefits that they bring to the friendship. Remember that they are a masterpiece too! God loves them just as much as He loves you, and they are every bit as special!
“Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable–if anything is excellent or praiseworthy–think about such things.” Philippians 4:8 (NIV)
What are some of the things you need to work on to cope with an annoying friend? Tell us about it by leaving a comment below!
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My friend is so incredibly annoying, although I do carry out one of the steps, and have a friend to balance the annoyingness out. He is still so incredibly annoying, and how are we supposed to leave him behind when we made it this far. He is also a frequent user of profanity and wishes death on everyone even little girls. Eh also wont shut up. I tell him that it annoys me and he keeps doing it, he is even watching me write this right now. Lord bless his heart and mine, as I struggle with this everyday.