Adults Can Be Bullies Too
I’m going to tell on myself this week. 🙂 I had a lesson in dealing with adult bullies and therefore had the opportunity to show my kids a real-life example of how to deal with bullies. We’ve talked recently about responding to people who offend you and scriptures to help when you feel attacked or persecuted. Sometimes the best way to respond is not to respond. However, there are times when a response is helpful and/or necessary. I felt like I encountered one of those times this past week.
I had an altercation in the parking lot at my son’s school this past week, but it didn’t start there. To give you some background, there has been a lady that has caused a variety of problems all school year. In my opinion, she is an adult bully. I had never talked to her (and honestly didn’t even know her) up until this point. We see her almost every morning at school drop-off, and we always notice her.
There are a few reasons she stands out. One reason is that every morning she has a dog that sits in the front seat of the car and barks incessantly with an ear-piercing sound with its head sticking out of the open window. We can actually hear it while we are driving down the road, even though our windows are up! She’s also very noticeable because she has driven pretty erratically on occasion—or as my kids would say, “She’s a crazy driver!” Frequently, she does not follow the school’s drop-off procedure to only drop your kids off at a certain, designated location (so as not to block traffic). Each morning she instead ignores this sometimes inconvenient procedure, and she drops her kids off at the front door which holds up and blocks traffic behind her prohibiting anyone else from being able to pull in to drop their kids off until she moves out of the way.
Last, but not least, she stands out because she has been known on SEVERAL occasions to honk at drivers in front of her, myself included. There is a particular route to school that has an intersection where it is extremely difficult to make a left-hand turn during the busy morning traffic. If she has to wait too long at that intersection she starts honking. Last week was no different. I was at the intersection attempting to turn left. She was in the car directly behind me (I knew because I heard the barking dog!). Due to the high volume of traffic, I was having a difficult time turning left.
One thing you should also know about me is that I’m a “better safe than sorry” kind of person when driving, especially if I have my kids in the car. I know this probably irritates some people because I don’t get in a hurry—to me it’s not worth the risk. I guess to this lady it is worth the risk, because she started honking in a series of small honks at first. She also kept moving forward acting as if she would hit me with her car if I didn’t hurry up and go. Then, she proceeded to lay on the horn with a nonstop blast when I refused to rush in front of an oncoming school bus that had briefly stopped at a railroad crossing. I was getting a bit flustered at this point. I rolled my window down and waived my hand backward as if to say “stop it!”, and I pulled out after the school bus had passed. I shook my index finger out the window as I drove on. You know…kind of a “shame on you” type of move.
I decided right then that I was not going to put up with her bullying any more. I dropped my son off, at the CORRECT drop-off spot and then pulled into a parking space to wait on her to arrive. She pulled into the parking lot and dropped her kids off at the usual incorrect spot by the front door of the school, blocking a few cars behind her. As she was starting to drive off I flagged her down. She pulled up to me and rolled the window down. I’m not sure exactly why it was rolled up because just moments before it was rolled down with the barking dog hanging out the window as usual. I walked up to the window with the dog barking just inches from my face. I’m not gonna lie…I was silently daring that dog to bite me!
I calmly, but firmly, said “Excuse me. I would appreciate it if you would please stop honking at me at that intersection.” She immediately started to yell at me stating how I was holding up traffic and how I should have gone when I had the chance instead of just sitting there. We argued back and forth for a few moments about whether or not I had time to pull out and about how I don’t think it’s worth risking my kids’ lives because she’s in a hurry. I could see that my efforts were going nowhere, and I told her that I would not continue to stand there and argue with her. I stated again, “You need to stop honking at me.” She replied, “What are you gonna do?” I then told her I would call the police to which she replied, “Go ahead and call the (explicative) police! They can’t (explicative) do anything to me! You’re (explicative) crazy lady!” At that point, I was done, and I didn’t want her to continue dropping “F” bombs with kids standing around everywhere. I walked to the back of her car and noted her license plate as she sped off continuing to yell at me out of her window.
At that point I turned my car off, and informed my daughter that she was going to be late to her school because I had to go and have a talk with my son’s principal. We walked into the office and told the principal what had happened. She made note and stated that they would have a talk with her. She then informed me that she thought it would be a good idea for me to go and visit with the police as well. So I dropped my daughter off at her school and then headed to the police station. The officer there was wonderful and informed me that I had done the right thing. They were going to look her up by the license plate info and vehicle description, check for any other complaints or priors, and keep an eye on her.
The next morning we passed her driving, and she flipped me off. My daughter said, “Mom, what does that mean when somebody sticks their middle finger up at you?” Nice. Now I had to explain a profane gesture to my daughter. It’s something I really don’t want to have to teach to my kids because of a situation like that. My hope and prayer though is that I DID teach my kids that adults can be bullies too, and we need to learn to stand up to them or any bullies in the right way.
I think it’s important that we teach our kids and those we influence that we need to not let people walk on us, and we need to stand up to bullies. We also need to do so in a safe, godly and appropriate way. The bible says in Ephesians 4:26 (KJV) “Be ye angry, and sin not: let not the sun go down upon your wrath.” It’s not wrong to be angry. Even God gets angry. It’s how we act when we are angry that can get us into trouble.
At one point I was starting to question myself because I wondered if I had hurt my Christian influence or acted wrong in any way…because I was indeed angry. It’s always so very important to me to be a godly example to others and to help and not hinder others’ relationship with Jesus. I mentioned this to my sister, Shawna. She had some very wise words for me that made me feel a lot better when I told her I was questioning myself and my anger.
Shawna: “Well, did you punch her in the face?”
Me: “No.”
Shawna: “Did you cuss at her?”
Me: “No.”
Shawna: “Did you yell at her?”
Me: “No, surprisingly enough I actually stayed pretty calm, but I was very firm when I spoke.”
Shawna: “Well then, it sounds to me like you we angry, but sinned not…exactly like the Bible says to do. It’s not a sin to be angry. It sounds to me like you did nothing wrong.”
Me: “Yeah, but I KNOW I will never be able to win that lady to the Lord now! I always want to be a Christ-like example to people and to help them grow. I know I won’t have any kind of influence on her now.”
Shawna: “Maybe you weren’t supposed to be the godly influence for her. She wasn’t the only one you were influencing that day. Maybe God intended for you to be a godly example for your kids…to show them how to respond to bullies in a godly and firm way, to show them how to stand up to people and to do so without sinning. Maybe your impact today was meant for your kids not that lady. God can bring somebody else into her life to influence her. And who’s to say that you didn’t anyway? Sometimes bullies just need somebody to stand up to them and to set healthy boundaries with them to show them that their behavior is unacceptable. Maybe you’re the first person to do that to her. Maybe you didn’t win her to Christ, but maybe you did influence how she’ll treat others going forward. I also know God cares about you too. You’re His child. He’s a good parent, and He doesn’t like seeing His kids being bullied, just like you wouldn’t put up with your kids being bullied.”
I can’t tell you how much her words meant to me that day. She was right. I HAD taught my kids a valuable lesson that day. My hope is to pass on encouragement to you too to stand up for yourself when necessary and to encourage you to do so in the right way.
Take Some Practical Steps to Stand Up to Bullies:
- Know that there are times for silence AND times for response. You will have to discern when you need to respond and when you don’t. You might find these to be helpful when deciding if and how to respond: How to Respond When People Offend You, How to Avoid Making Negative Comments, and How to Respond to Comments…Especially in Touchy Situations. The book of Proverbs also has a lot to say about how we should communicate with others. These two scriptures in particular point out that there are times to address fools and times to ignore them:
“Don’t answer the foolish arguments of fools, or you will become as foolish as they are. Be sure to answer the foolish arguments of fools, or they will become wise in their own estimation.” Proverbs 26:4-5 (NLT)
I really like Matthew Henry’s Commentary on these verses:
See here the noble security of the scripture-style, which seems to contradict itself, but really does not. Wise men have need to be directed how to deal with fools; and they have never more need of wisdom than in dealing with such, to know when to keep silence and when to speak, for there may be a time for both. 1. In some cases a wise man will not set his wit to that of a fool so far as to answer him according to his folly “If he boast of himself, do not answer him by boasting of thyself. If he rail and talk passionately, do not thou rail and talk passionately too. If he tell one great lie, do not thou tell another to match it. If he calumniate thy friends, do not thou calumniate his. If he banter, do not answer him in his own language, lest thou be like him, even thou, who knowest better things, who hast more sense, and hast been better taught.’’ 2. Yet, in other cases, a wise man will use his wisdom for the conviction of a fool, when, by taking notice of what he says, there may be hopes of doing good, or at least preventing further, mischief, either to himself or others. “If thou have reason to think that thy silence will be deemed an evidence of the weakness of thy cause, or of thy own weakness, in such a case answer him, and let it be an answer ad hominem—to the man, beat him at his own weapons, and that will be an answer ad rem—to the point, or as good as one. If he offer any thing that looks like an argument, an answer that, and suit thy answer to his case. If he think, because thou dost not answer him, that what he says is unanswerable, then give him an answer, lest he be wise in his own conceit and boast of a victory.’’ For (Luke 7:35) Wisdom’s children must justify her.
- Respect and value yourself by not allowing others to continuously disrespect you. Remember that you don’t have to be a doormat—You are VERY valuable to God, and you should treat yourself as such! Stand up for yourself and point out when you have been wronged (see previous point to discern if/when to do this). I once read somewhere that significant injustice is wrong and should be exposed and opposed and that we are not doing anyone any favors by allowing them to remain stuck in such abusive patterns. In fact, our silence might actually be enabling them.
“Above all, you must live as citizens of heaven, conducting yourselves in a manner worthy of the Good News about Christ. Then, whether I come and see you again or only hear about you, I will know that you are standing together with one spirit and one purpose, fighting together for the faith, which is the Good News. Don’t be intimidated in any way by your enemies. This will be a sign to them that they are going to be destroyed, but that you are going to be saved, even by God himself.” Philippians 1:27-28 (NLT)
“If your brother or sister sins, go and point out their fault, just between the two of you. If they listen to you, you have won them over.” Matthew 18:15 (NIV)
“When I say to a wicked person, ‘You will surely die,’ and you do not warn them or speak out to dissuade them from their evil ways in order to save their life, that wicked person will die for their sin, and I will hold you accountable for their blood. But if you do warn the wicked person and they do not turn from their wickedness or from their evil ways, they will die for their sin; but you will have saved yourself.” Ezekiel 3:18-19 (NIV)
- After confronting the bullies, alert the proper and necessary authorities, and remove yourself from any dangerous or escalating situations. In my case, I walked away when she started getting belligerent and using profanity. Then, I went and spoke with the principal and the police. It’s important that you protect yourself, both physically and legally.
- Lastly, and most importantly, alert the HIGHEST authority—God. Just like my sister told me…God is a father too, and He doesn’t like to see His kids being treated badly. If you go to Him and tell Him what has happened and ask for His help, He will come to your aid. I’ve prayed two kinds of prayers in my situation. The first is for justice and favor—for God to have my back and avenge me. David prayed these types of prayers constantly throughout the Psalms! The second type of prayer I pray is rather humbling—it’s for her to come to know the love and blessings of God (even if it’s not through me). This link contains the specific prayers I pray.
If my kids have to deal with bullies, I give them these same steps: 1-Tell the bullies that their behavior is unacceptable and that they need to stop, 2-Walk away from the bullies, and let an adult know (teacher, principal, and/or mom & dad), 3-Pray for the bullies and for yourself. My hope is that you never have to be in situations where these steps are necessary, but chances are that you will at some point or another. Be encouraged that you have a God that loves you, is a Good Father, and has your back…even when you have to deal with adult bullies!
Have you had to deal with adult bullies? How do you handle them? Leave a comment below (click on the post link to join the conversation if you’re viewing through e-mail).
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