Apologizing Doesn’t Remove All Consequences
**Updated: Originally posted 11/22/2016
A few years ago my son and daughter were arguing after church. Surprise. Surprise. Why do kids argue over the stupidest things? My daughter had actually won a prize at church, a giant Pixy Stix. They started arguing over if she would share or not. When she went to put her coat on before we walked out to the car she needed someone to hold her Pixy Stix. She wouldn’t hand it to her brother but to me instead. Apparently he got mad because he was “trying to help her”. I’m sure he had other ulterior motives too. So he spouted off in a hateful tone, “I was just trying to help you! You’re a piece of crap!”
After I picked my jaw up off the floor at the nastiness that just spewed out of his mouth, I quickly informed him that we DO NOT talk like that to people. I also advised him that he would definitely not be getting any of that Pixy Stix now.
When we got to the car I made him do the 4-step apology (or as we call it now, “apologize the right way”). We had some further, lengthy “discussion” about his attitude and the ease with which he flung his verbal assault. After some conversation, the tension ceased. Something else lighthearted created peace between the two siblings again; for the life of me I can’t remember what it was now.
Then, I had that motherly 6th sense as I was driving. My daughter, the forgiving soul that she is, gave her brother some of her Pixy Stix candy.
So hollering behind me…
Me: “Are you eating some of that Pixy Stix?!”
My son: “Yes, she gave me some.”
Me: “I told you NO Pixy Stix.”
My son: “But I apologized and she forgave me.”
Me: “Apologies don’t delete consequences. Just because you said you were sorry doesn’t mean that your punishment disappears. Just because she forgave you doesn’t make the hurt you caused her disappear.”
Then I remembered an exercise that I sometimes do with my classes to demonstrate a point. I looked around for a piece of paper. I saw a gas receipt in the console and handed it back to my son.
Me: “Wad this piece of paper up.”
My son, as he wrinkled the paper up in his hands: “Why am I doing this?”
Me: “I’m going to show you something. Did you wad it up?”
My son, giggling: “Yes.”
Me: “Now unfold it and smooth the wrinkles out.”
My son: “I can’t.”
Me: “Just try. Smooth them out really flat.”
My son: “OK. It’s still wrinkled though.”
Me: “Now, tell the paper you’re sorry.”
Bursts of laughter then proceeded from the backseat from both of my kids.
Me: “Do it. Tell it you’re sorry.”
My son, with a comical and sarcastic tone to his voice: “I’m sorry little paper.”
Me: “Did that get the wrinkles out?”
My son: “Well, no. Saying I’m sorry isn’t going to make the wrinkles go away!”
The moral of the story…
Me: “Exactly. The damage has been done. Once you made the wrinkles, you can’t take them back. You can smooth out some of the damage, but there are still marks left behind because of what you did to it. You can’t erase those marks. They are scars now. Just like those marks you left on that paper, when you say hurtful things to your sister, or anyone for that matter, it leaves marks or scars. Even when you sincerely apologize, it still leaves a mark. Even if she forgives you, you still hurt her feelings. You can’t take back things that you do and say. Sometimes those things cause damage or scars.”
Then, I proceeded to explain to him that in life apologizing does not erase consequences—for either party, the offended or the offender. Just like some scars can’t be erased from the offended, some punishments can’t be removed from the offender either. I told him that people that break the law and end up in jail may eventually repent and become very sorry for what they did. However, they are still required to serve their sentence. Additionally, after that they may also have some consequences such as losing the right to vote for a period of time or losing the right to possess a gun.
Spiritual consequences
Next we discussed how this is true spiritually too. When Adam sinned he brought death into the world as part of the consequences. We have physical death because of sin. Furthermore, sin brought spiritual death—eternal separation from God. The good news is that Jesus rectified that.
“For the wages of sin is death, but the free gift of God is eternal life through Christ Jesus our Lord.” Romans 6:23 (NLT)
The bible tells us though that our bodies will still die. Even if we repent of our sins and accept Jesus Christ as our personal Lord and Savior, it doesn’t eliminate all of the consequences of sin.
“And Christ lives within you, so even though your body will die because of sin, the Spirit gives you life because you have been made right with God.” Romans 8:10 (NLT)
Not all consequences can be removed. That was the lesson I wanted my son to get. So guess what? No Pixy Stix, even though all was well and reconciled between the two siblings.
Honestly, even though I was furious about the situation, I was very thankful for the teachable moment. I was also grateful for direction from the Holy Spirit to help me remember the verses in Romans and that exercise that I do with my classes to get across a very important point in a practical (and hopefully memorable) way.
I hope you can take something from this lesson too.
Take Some Practical Steps To Remember That Apologizing Doesn’t Remove All Consequences:
- First, remember the wrinkled up piece of paper—don’t ever forget that your actions and/or words can leave marks or scars. Wounds created can heal, but even a sincere apology won’t remove scars left behind. Keep this in mind before you act or speak in a way that might be hurtful to others.
- Secondly, when you wrong someone you should apologize. Read this post here on how to apologize effectively. Although some of the damage you cause may not be reversible, an apology is still necessary.
- Next, realize that you may still have consequences to pay for your actions—even if you are truly sorry and apologize. Some actions cause a ripple effect that has to be played out. Don’t expect to be expunged of collateral consequences. Bear in mind that you brought them on yourself and learn from your mistakes so as not to repeat them in the future.
- Finally, take away the spiritual message here as well—that our sins have spiritual consequences too. Jesus paid the ultimate price as a consequence for our sin. We should never forget that he took our punishment for us. Though we may truly repent, not all consequences have been eliminated. Death still occurs…BUT God makes up for it in other ways. We die in some areas, but God gives life in others.
“And Christ lives within you, so even though your body will die because of sin, the Spirit gives you life because you have been made right with God.” Romans 8:10 (NLT)
How have you had to learn that not all consequences are eliminated by apologies? Share your story with us by leaving a comment below.
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