Category Archives: Conflict Resolution

Don’t Be Surprised When People Hate You

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Don’t Be Surprised When People Hate You

Lately, I’ve come across some opposition in a variety of areas. Unfortunately in some of those instances I’ve had to deal with a fair amount of disrespect. It’s been so frustrating because I feel like I’ve handled everything right by correcting in love, affirming and pointing out the good, yet firmly setting boundaries. Even in the midst of showing love, help, and support, I received disdain in return. “Hate” is the word reverberating to me, and that hurts because I’ve done NOTHING to deserve hate. I am legitimately surprised when people hate me. After all, I’m a pretty likable person!

Then one day, after some prayer (and a good amount of tears) I remembered that Jesus experienced undeserved hate. He told us we should expect it too. We shouldn’t be surprised when people hate us.

“And everyone will hate you because you are my followers.” Luke 21:17 (NLT)

“And all nations will hate you because you are my followers. But everyone who endures to the end will be saved.” Matthew 10:22 (NLT)

“And everyone will hate you because you are my followers. But the one who endures to the end will be saved.” Mark 13:13 (NLT)

“Hear this message from the LORD, all you who tremble at his words: “Your own people hate you and throw you out for being loyal to my name. ‘Let the LORD be honored!’ they scoff. ‘Be joyful in him!’ But they will be put to shame.” Isaiah 66:5 (NLT)

“Yes, and everyone who wants to live a godly life in Christ Jesus will suffer persecution.” 2 Timothy 3:12 (NLT)

“They will be unloving and unforgiving; they will slander others and have no self-control. They will be cruel and hate what is good.” 2 Timothy 3:3 (NLT)

When people hate you…Welcome to my world

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Heap Burning Coals on Their Heads?

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Heap Burning Coals on Their Heads?

Heap Burning Coals on Their Heads?

A couple of times over the past week or so I’ve come across the verses that mention the phrase “heap burning coals on his head”.

“If your enemy is hungry, give him bread to eat, and if he is thirsty, give him water to drink, for you will heap burning coals on his head, and the LORD will reward you.” Proverbs 25:21-22 (ESV)

“To the contrary, “if your enemy is hungry, feed him; if he is thirsty, give him something to drink; for by so doing you will heap burning coals on his head.”” Romans 12:20 (ESV)

At first glance, it sounds a little ironic, like “be nice to be mean”. It almost seems a bit insincere as if we are doing good to our enemy in order to actually punish them in some way. However, through a little bit of further study I found some possible significance to the reference of “heap burning coals”, so I thought I would share my findings with you this week to give you some further understanding and insight as well.

A burning conviction

One possibility is that to heap burning coals on their head might mean to cause a sense of burning conviction. In a way, this will awaken a deadened conscience–think of stoking a fire to bring it back to life again. Being kind to them may cause them to feel shame or remorse for their behavior. An unexpected, undeserved, and merciful response might inspire a guilty conscience and assist in pointing out the error of their ways. At the very least, they should feel their sin more to the point of aggravating them.

Kindness and love bring in light which exposes sin and darkness.

“All who do evil hate the light and refuse to go near it for fear their sins will be exposed.” John 3:20 (NLT)

“But their evil intentions will be exposed when the light shines on them” Ephesians 5:13 (NLT)

To heap burning coals could be to awaken a deadened conscience-Think of stoking a fire to bring it back to life again.

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Melt them into repentance

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How to Apologize Effectively

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How to Apologize Effectively

How to Apologize Effectively

Updated post (*originally published 8/5/14)

“So if you are presenting a sacrifice at the altar in the Temple and you suddenly remember that someone has something against you, leave your sacrifice there at the altar. Go and be reconciled to that person. Then come and offer your sacrifice to God.” Matthew 5:23-24 (NLT)

I stumbled onto something pretty cool previously that I thought I’d share with you.  I think you’ll like it too!  It’s a free personal profile to discover your “apology language”.

I’m a HUGE fan of Dr. Gary Chapman, who is best known for his New York Times bestseller: The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love That Lasts and the series of books that go along with it.  A few years ago I was listening to one of the Focus on the Family podcasts, and Dr. Chapman was discussing the Five Love Languages and how there are also five languages of apology.  He’s co-authored a book with Dr. Jennifer Thomas titled When Sorry Isn’t Enough: Making Things Right with Those You Love in which they detail the study of apologies and how people give and receive them.

Listening to the podcast, I found this very intriguing because I’ve noticed myself sometimes having a hard time receiving somebody’s apology simply because of the delivery or because it didn’t feel genuine to me.  Dr. Chapman mentioned that “If you receive an apology that omits your apology language, chances are you won’t fully accept it or even recognize it as an apology.”  The goal of their book was to help people “learn the techniques to effectively recognize and deliver apologies and watch relationships thrive as a result”.

The five basic languages of apology are: Continue reading →

She forgot her backpack…Allowing natural consequences

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She forgot her backpack...allowing natural consequences

She forgot her backpack…Allowing natural consequences

A couple of weeks ago I experienced a hard day as a momma. In fact my journal entry for that day reads, “Today is a little rough as a mom to see through natural consequences for my child.”

My daughter had been pretty irresponsible lately (not getting chores done, taking much longer than it should to get things done, forgetting things, and so on). On this particular day, she had forgotten her backpack with her homework at home because she wasn’t paying attention and focusing on the right things. She also forgot to drink her milk that morning even after being reminded.

At school, as she was getting out of the car, she noticed that she had forgotten her backpack. She didn’t ask me to go get it and bring it back to her because she knew she’d already used up her one “grace” already this school year. I give each of my kids one “grace” per school year where I’ll retrieve a forgotten item just one time.

Part of me REALLY wanted to go back home and get it for her though. She had such a discouraged look on her face that broke my heart. However, something inside me reminded me that she needs to have her natural consequences as a learning opportunity. I was struggling so much internally though I even called Eric to ask him if I should go back and get it for her. As soon as I heard myself asking him though, “don’t do it!” was running through my head. Eric had the same response, especially considering her recent irresponsible behavior.

It still just made me so sad because I don’t want my kids to have to suffer discouragement, pain or heartache. I think God must feel this way at times too.

God is also a good, but just parent

Thinking about it all reminded me of a previous post I wrote where I talked about being sad when I wanted to do nice or fun things for the kids but their bad behavior prevented me from doing so. At that time I also had the realization that God must experience similar emotions and how he is a good but just parent. He allows us to experience many of our natural consequences. Though as a parent, he probably doesn’t like it, and it makes him really sad to see us experience pain and hardship too.

Consequences teach necessary life skills

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Restoring Relationship: Humility and Forgiveness

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Restoring Relationship: Humility and Forgiveness

Restoring Relationship: Humility and Forgiveness

God restores broken relationships. I already knew this. In fact, I’ve already experienced this in my own marriage. Today though, I saw a new perspective to restoring relationship from the story of Esau and Jacob.

“Then Jacob looked up and saw Esau coming with his 400 men. So he divided the children among Leah, Rachel, and his two servant wives. He put the servant wives and their children at the front, Leah and her children next, and Rachel and Joseph last. Then Jacob went on ahead. As he approached his brother, he bowed to the ground seven times before him. Then Esau ran to meet him and embraced him, threw his arms around his neck, and kissed him. And they both wept.” Genesis 33:1-4 (NLT)

Jacob betrayed Esau (Genesis 27). Esau had every right to be angry at Jacob and to avoid restoring relationship, even to the point of fighting and killing Jacob. Jacob knew this, hence his fear when Esau was approaching (Genesis 32:3-21, Genesis 33:1-2).

However, God stepped in and changed hearts…BOTH of their hearts. God changed the situation to the point where only HE could get the credit and glory for what took place.

Jacob humbled himself.

‘He told them, “Give this message to my master Esau: ‘Humble greetings from your servant Jacob. Until now I have been living with Uncle Laban, and now I own cattle, donkeys, flocks of sheep and goats, and many servants, both men and women. I have sent these messengers to inform my lord of my coming, hoping that you will be friendly to me.’” Genesis 32:4-5 (NLT)

“Then Jacob went on ahead. As he approached his brother, he bowed to the ground seven times before him.” Genesis 33:3 (NLT)

“But Jacob insisted, “No, if I have found favor with you, please accept this gift from me. And what a relief to see your friendly smile. It is like seeing the face of God!” Genesis 33:10 (NLT)

““All right,” Esau said, “but at least let me assign some of my men to guide and protect you.” Jacob responded, “That’s not necessary. It’s enough that you’ve received me warmly, my lord!”” Genesis 33:15 (NLT)

Esau offered forgiveness and harbored no ill-will.

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Scriptures on Anger

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Scriptures on Anger

Last week I wrote about 4 things to do with your anger. Anger is a common emotion, and sometimes it can serve a purpose by pushing us into action to get something done. Other times it’s just an emotion that we need to deal with carefully, learning to control it instead of letting it rule our thoughts, choices, decisions, and behaviors.

I have found a helpful way to handle anger is to focus on different scriptures concerning anger. So today I’ve put together a resource page with some helpful scriptures on anger.

Control your anger-don’t let anger control you

“Be angry and do not sin; on your bed, reflect in your heart and be still. Selah” Psalm 4:4 (HCSB)

“Stop being angry! Turn from your rage! Do not lose your temper–it only leads to harm.” Psalm 37:8 (NLT)

“Set a guard over my mouth, LORD; keep watch over the door of my lips.” Psalm 141:3 (NIV)

“Hatred stirs up conflict, but love covers over all wrongs.” Proverbs 10:12 (NIV)

“Short-tempered people do foolish things, and schemers are hated.” Proverbs 14:17 (NLT)

“People with understanding control their anger; a hot temper shows great foolishness.” Proverbs 14:29

“A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.” Proverbs 15:1 (NIV) Continue reading →

4 Things to Do With Your Anger

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4 Things to Do With Your Anger

4 Things to Do With Your Anger

I mentioned in last week’s post that I was stewing in a little bit of nasty anger recently. The anger itself wasn’t necessarily the problem. Anger is a normal emotion. It’s not a sin. It’s how I was handling it and reacting and what I did with and after the anger that was displeasing to God and unhelpful to me.

“Be angry and do not sin…” Ephesians 4:26a (ESV)

“Be angry and do not sin; on your bed, reflect in your heart and be still. Selah” Psalm 4:4 (HCSB)

“Human anger does not produce the righteousness God desires.” James 1:20 (NLT)

Even God and Jesus got angry…

“God is an honest judge. He is angry with the wicked every day.” Psalm 7:11 (NLT)

“They even sacrificed their own sons and daughters in the fire. They consulted fortune-tellers and practiced sorcery and sold themselves to evil, arousing the LORD’s anger. Because the LORD was very angry with Israel, he swept them away from his presence. Only the tribe of Judah remained in the land.” 2 Kings 17:17-18 (NLT)

“But God shows his anger from heaven against all sinful, wicked people who suppress the truth by their wickedness.” Romans 1:18 (NLT)

“And he looked around at them with anger, grieved at their hardness of heart, and said to the man, “Stretch out your hand.” He stretched it out, and his hand was restored.” Mark 3:5 (ESV)

“When Jesus saw her weeping and saw the other people wailing with her, a deep anger welled up within him, and he was deeply troubled.” John 11:33 (NLT)

“Jesus entered the Temple and began to drive out all the people buying and selling animals for sacrifice. He knocked over the tables of the money changers and the chairs of those selling doves.” Matthew 21:12 (NLT)

This advice about anger that my friend heard once…

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The Power of Restraint

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The Power of Restraint

Jesus was (and is) God (John 1:1, John 1:18, John 10:30, Matthew 1:23, Isaiah 9:6, 1 John 5:20). Therefore, because Jesus is God, he has unlimited power (Job 36:22, John 13:3). Maybe the most impactful demonstration of his power was that of his power of restraint—that of not using his power when he could have or in a way that we might respond out of human nature.

This power of restraint was probably most evident during his trial and while he was on the cross. Throughout this period of time and events he endured such intense suffering. Fear. Betrayal. Anger. Abandonment. Torture. Pain. Sadness. Rejection. Unmerited punishment. Oppression. Judgement. False accusations. Discrimination.

 

These words probably only touch the surface of what Jesus underwent. Yet, in spite of all this, he restrained from using the power to stop it or retaliate. It would have only taken one word to stop it all. Just one word. Nevertheless, instead of a showy manifestation of almighty power, Jesus exhibited a more humble display of something possibly far more difficult—the power of restraint. 

Maybe Jesus’ most impactful demonstration of his power was that of restraint.

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At his disposal…

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