Empathy…The Filter We ALL Need

Recently, we discussed the importance of showing intentional kindness due to the world becoming more rude, uncivil, divisive, and lacking compassion. As divisiveness grows, polarization prevails, and kindness dissipates, there has also been a decline and loss of empathy. We’re seeing an unfortunate culture shift. There has been recent scientific research supporting the idea that people are caring less and less for others and more for themselves. One study found that levels of empathy significantly declined among young people from 1979 to 2009.^[1]

Although, we probably don’t need a scientific study to tell us this when we can just look around at interactions taking place in the world around us and see the cruelty and apathy firsthand. People are becoming more desensitized, and harshness, coldness, callousness, and a lack of compassion are becoming the standard.

The Bible warns us about a decrease in empathy

Multiple places in scripture say that in the last days people will be scoffing, selfish, narcissistic, cruel, hardhearted, uncaring, insensitive, and lacking self-control, compassion, and love for those around them.

“Sin will be rampant everywhere, and the love of many will grow cold.” Matthew 24:12 (NLT)

“You should know this, Timothy, that in the last days there will be very difficult times. For people will love only themselves and their money. They will be boastful and proud, scoffing at God, disobedient to their parents, and ungrateful. They will consider nothing sacred. They will be unloving and unforgiving; they will slander others and have no self-control. They will be cruel and hate what is good. They will betray their friends, be reckless, be puffed up with pride, and love pleasure rather than God. They will act religious, but they will reject the power that could make them godly. Stay away from people like that!” 2 Timothy 3:1-5 (NLT)

“Most importantly, I want to remind you that in the last days scoffers will come, mocking the truth and following their own desires.” 2 Peter 3:3 (NLT)

“They told you that in the last times there would be scoffers whose purpose in life is to satisfy their ungodly desires. These people are the ones who are creating divisions among you. They follow their natural instincts because they do not have God’s Spirit in them.” Jude 1:18-19 (NLT)

Some recent personal experiences of an empathy deficit

Unfortunately, I’ve had some recent experiences of seeing an empathy deficit firsthand…by a doctor, a family member, and a student.

A doctor lacking sensitivity, compassion, and timeliness

A couple of weeks ago, I lost an uncle to COVID. The family was allowed to go to the hospital to say our final goodbyes before he passed. As I was standing outside of his ICU room praying, crying, and grieving, one of the critical care doctors came up and interrupted me. He asked me if I was family, said he was sorry they couldn’t do anything more, asked me if I had any questions, and then said (in a patronizing, deriding, and condemning tone), “Is everyone getting their vaccines now?”

I was so shocked that he had the nerve to interrupt me, to begin with, and then to make such a rude, insensitive, and untimely comment while I was standing there in tears, that I didn’t quite know how to respond at that moment. In hindsight, I wondered what made him just assume that I, or others, had not already been vaccinated. To be honest, I don’t even know the vaccination status of my uncle or other family members. Regardless, that was definitely not the time to discuss it or to give admonishment or reprimand.

An unempathetic, tacky, and untimely response by a family member

I experienced a lack of empathy from a family member as well only hours after my uncle’s passing. When we notified this person of my uncle’s death, the response was, “Three words…Get. The. Vaccine.” I was again appalled at the callousness, tackiness, and poor timing of this response. There was a complete disregard for the grief I was experiencing at the time.

My reply to this person was, “I was pretty hurt [by your response] and felt like that was a very unempathetic, callous, tacky, and untimely response considering we just lost a close family member. We could have used empathy, not unsolicited advice or correction.” Additionally, I again wondered what made this person just assume that my uncle, or myself or my family, had not been vaccinated.

A student lacking empathy

Not long ago, I had a student in one of my college classes make a rude comment to another student in the class. The student to whom the comment was directed showed apparent hurt in his facial expression and body language. When I pointed out the inappropriateness of the comment to the student, he dismissively shrugged his shoulders and replied, “Well, the truth hurts.” He didn’t even seem to care that he had hurt the feelings of his classmate.

I then proceeded to inform him that saying “the truth hurts” is not an open license to be unkind or hurt people. It should go without saying, but there is a difference between being honest and being rude. While the truth may be convicting, it should never be condemning, especially at the hands of another. There are biblical principles to how we are to interact, communicate, and even correct others. We can’t just pop off at the mouth unkindly in the name of “truth”. It’s not scriptural. The Bible says to speak the truth IN LOVE… which means to be kind when doing it.

“Instead, we will speak the truth in love, growing in every way more and more like Christ, who is the head of his body, the church.” Ephesians 4:15 (NLT)

Lacking compassion and empathy will alienate people

Some people make light of their lack of empathy and even brag about not having a filter like it’s funny or something to laugh about. I’ve even seen t-shirts to that effect. Unfortunately, a repeated lack of empathy can be a death sentence to relationships. Without empathy, we disqualify ourselves as a trustworthy person who cares.

As stated in the previous post on kindness, when we are unkind, people will often go to great lengths to avoid us. Unkindness will drive people away and cause us to lose our influence and impact. Furthermore, harsh responses are usually never effective. A harsh, cold, or stony demeanor drives people away and invites disrespect and defensiveness in return. A kind, soft, tender, and gentle spirit is desirable and more attractive.

“Your kindness will reward you, but your cruelty will destroy you.” Proverbs 11:17 (NLT)

“A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.” Proverbs 15:1 (NIV)

“Kindness makes a man attractive.” Proverbs 19:22a (TLB)

“Gently instruct those who oppose the truth. Perhaps God will change those people’s hearts, and they will learn the truth.” 2 Timothy 2:25

Unkind responses that lack empathy will probably yield a result that is opposite to what we actually desire. For example, if we want to encourage someone to do something, being nasty is probably not the way to go about it.

A wrong attitude that leads to a lack of empathy

Sometimes when people perceive that someone is reaping the consequences of a poor decision, it’s tempting for them to have a “Well, serves them right” kind of attitude. It’s understandable. We ALL cheer for the “good guy” in the movies, shows, and books, and we love to see the antagonist or “bad guy” get what’s coming to them. Reaping what they sow, if you will.

However, we should be very careful about offering up and even celebrating what we think people “deserve”. I don’t think ANYONE really wants what they truly deserve.

“For everyone has sinned; we all fall short of God’s glorious standard.” Romans 3:23 (NLT)

“For the wages of sin is death, but the free gift of God is eternal life through Christ Jesus our Lord.” Romans 6:23 (NLT)

God’s heart is not to punish and most certainly not to kick people when they’re down. God is rich in mercy. We should be merciful just as God is. In many situations people could use empathy with compassion, gentleness, and humility instead of unsolicited advice, correction, condemnation, or “I told you so”.

“But God is so rich in mercy, and he loved us so much, that even though we were dead because of our sins, he gave us life when he raised Christ from the dead. (It is only by God’s grace that you have been saved!)” Ephesians 2:4-5 (NLT)

“Be merciful, just as your Father is merciful.” Luke 6:36 (NLT)

“Don’t rejoice when your enemies fall; don’t be happy when they stumble.” Proverbs 24:17 (NLT)

“Or do you show contempt for the riches of his kindness, forbearance and patience, not realizing that God’s kindness is intended to lead you to repentance?” Romans 2:4 (NIV)

“So now there is no condemnation for those who belong to Christ Jesus.” Romans 8:1 (NLT)

“Be happy with those who are happy, and weep with those who weep.” Romans 12:15 (NLT)

“So then, we must pursue what promotes peace and what builds up one another.” Romans 14:19 (HCSB)

“We should help others do what is right and build them up in the Lord.” Romans 15:2 (NLT)

“Dear brothers and sisters, if another believer is overcome by some sin, you who are godly should gently and humbly help that person back onto the right path. And be careful not to fall into the same temptation yourself. Share each other’s burdens, and in this way obey the law of Christ. ” Galatians 6:1-2 (NLT)

“Let everything you say be good and helpful, so that your words will be an encouragement to those who hear them.” Ephesians 4:29b (NLT)

“And become useful and helpful and kind to one another, tenderhearted (compassionate, understanding, loving-hearted), forgiving one another [readily and freely], as God in Christ forgave you.” Ephesians 4:32 (AMPC)

“Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near.” Philippians 4:5 (NIV)

“Since God chose you to be the holy people he loves, you must clothe yourselves with tenderhearted mercy, kindness, humility, gentleness, and patience. Make allowance for each other’s faults, and forgive anyone who offends you. Remember, the Lord forgave you, so you must forgive others. Above all, clothe yourselves with love, which binds us all together in perfect harmony. And let the peace that comes from Christ rule in your hearts. For as members of one body you are called to live in peace. And always be thankful.” Colossians 3:12-15 (NLT)

“There will be no mercy for those who have not shown mercy to others. But if you have been merciful, God will be merciful when he judges you.” James 2:13 (NLT)

Our goal should be to build each other up and to make others feel taller, not smaller.

Take Some Practical Steps to Use an Empathy Filter:

• First, know that when you interact without empathy, it will hurt people and hurt your relationship with them.

As a Christian, your goal should be the opposite of hurting people. Therefore you need to take steps to avoid this, and one of those steps is using an empathy filter.

• Secondly, have an others-first perspective, defer judgment, and set your own viewpoint aside.

Put aside your own viewpoint, assumptions, and beliefs, and attempt to see things from the other person’s perspective. Postpone arguments, disputes, admonishments, or unsolicited advice. You don’t have to agree, but you should attempt to truly see and understand them. When you empathize, it’s not the time to debate. This is the time to show respect, be compassionate, listen, and validate them.

“Fools have no interest in understanding; they only want to air their own opinions.” Proverbs 18:2 (NLT)

“Do nothing out of selfish ambition or empty pride, but in humility consider others more important than yourselves. Each of you should look not only to your own interests, but also to the interests of others.” Philippians 2:3-4 (BSB)

“Do everything without complaining and arguing” Philippians 2:14 (NLT)

“Be devoted to one another in love. Honor one another above yourselves. Be devoted to one another in love. Honor one another above yourselves.” Romans 12:10 (NIV)

“No one should seek their own good, but the good of others.” 1 Corinthians 10:24 (NIV)

• Next, genuinely listen.

Avoid the temptation to think of how you will or should respond and just stop and genuinely listen. Don’t interrupt. Don’t be dismissive or attempt to minimize their situation. These types of actions are not definitive of empathy and are typically not helpful.

“Understand this, my dear brothers and sisters: You must all be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to get angry.” James 1:19 (NLT)

“To answer before listening— that is folly and shame.” Proverbs 18:13 (NIV)

• Then, pray before responding.

Pray and ask God to give you discernment on how and when to respond (here is a link with helpful scriptures about speaking to others and knowing what to say). You could even just say a quick prayer like, “Lord, give me the right words at the right time” and/or “Help me not to say the wrong thing. Set a guard over my mouth, Lord; keep watch over the door of my lips.”

“…don’t worry about how to respond or what to say. God will give you the right words at the right time.” Matthew 10:19b (NLT)

“Set a guard over my mouth, LORD; keep watch over the door of my lips.” Psalm 141:3 (NIV)

• Think before speaking—Use a filter!

You don’t always need to be so blunt. Have some tact. Use discretion and be sensitive. THINK before you speak by using these school classroom guidelines: Ask yourself, “Is it…True, Helpful, Inspiring, Necessary, and Kind?

Ask yourself how your response might affect them before responding. Follow the communication guidelines listed in the Bible (read a good post on that here). Ask yourself if it follows these scriptural guidelines… Is it encouraging to the author and fellow readers?  Is it helpful or even necessary?  Are your words kind and loving?  Could your words be perceived as disrespectful or hurtful?  Are you saying them in anger?  Are you trying to get “revenge” or “teach” somebody a lesson?  Could you be perceived as a “know-it-all”?  Do your words promote peace?  Are you complaining or arguing?  Do you just try to air your own opinion without regard for the opinion of others?  Are your words harsh?  Could your words potentially hinder another’s spiritual walk?

“The heart of the godly thinks carefully before speaking; the mouth of the wicked overflows with evil words.” Proverbs 15:28 (NLT)

“The lips of the godly speak helpful words, but the mouth of the wicked speaks perverse words.” Proverbs 10:32 (NLT)

“A wise person’s heart controls his speech, and what he says helps others learn.” Proverbs 16:23 (GWT)

• Finally, use proper timing.

Discern what they actually need at that moment. Yes, what you have to say might be true and maybe even helpful, but is it the right time to address it? Additionally, know when to just keep your mouth shut. You don’t always have to say what you think nor verbalize everything that comes into your head. Sometimes it’s best not to say anything at all. Although your intentions might be good, your response might do more harm. Then your attempt at empathy will be lost. It might be helpful to revisit this post here!

“There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under the heavens” Ecclesiastes 3:1 (NIV)

“for there is a time and a way for everything, even when a person is in trouble.” Ecclesiastes 8:6 (NLT)

“…don’t worry about how to respond or what to say. God will give you the right words at the right time.” Matthew 10:19b (NLT)

In this post we talk more about empathy and discuss things like…what it actually is, how to practice it and put it in action, ways to improve it, how Jesus demonstrated it, and relevant scriptures.

What are some practical ways that you use an empathy filter? Share them with us by leaving a comment below!

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If you know anyone that could benefit from this, please pay it forward!  Share this post via the sharing links below.  “Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves receive from God.” 2 Corinthians 1:3-4 (NIV)

1. Konrath SH, O’Brien EH, Hsing C. “Changes in Dispositional Empathy in American College Students over Time: A Meta-Analysis.” Personality and Social Psychology Review, vol. 15, no. 2, 2011, pp. 180–198., doi:10.1177/1088868310377395. Epub 2010 Aug 5. PMID: 20688954. ↑