How to Validate Others
Updated Post (*originally published 8/14/14)
“A friend loves you all the time, and a brother helps in time of trouble.” Proverbs 17:17 (NCV)
Humans have a need for validation. More recently I’ve become more acutely aware of this. Some of you make be thinking, “What the heck does she mean by validate? Isn’t that where you get verification of visiting someplace to get out of paying the parking fees?!” Well, that’s one definition! However, I’m talking about the kind of validation where we verify and recognize that a person’s feelings are indeed genuine and show understanding of those feelings.
I have been hurt by well-meaning friends, family and even my husband at times because they failed to validate my feelings about a situation. Most of the time my feelings are either minimized or judged, and then I feel like there’s something wrong with me. I HATE the emotion of leaving a conversation feeling worse than when I started.
Some wise advice
My sister, Shawna, said it perfectly once (she’s very wise 🙂 AND a very good validator by the way):
“Some people are not empathizers. They are not gifted at seeing through other’s eyes or trying to feel through their feelings. People often play the devil’s advocate, when all we need ‘in this moment’ is to feel understood, to feel someone try to comprehend our frustrations. Sometimes playing the devil’s advocate is not what people need in their first moments. Often they need to be understood first. When you get your feelings out (and often out-of-the-way) THEN you can look at things constructively for purpose and dealing with the situation.”
See! Isn’t she wise? She hit the nail on the head. Also, to validate someone does NOT mean that you have to agree with them or believe that they are right. Most of the time people just need to feel heard, not that you agree with them.
When people are not validated properly, sometimes damage is done to a relationship. Trust may be lost. Emotional distance may be created. A feeling of “safety” in pouring their heart out to you may dissipate. If invalidation continues and becomes a pattern, the relationship may be replaced with another that does provide validation, or worse, the relationship may be severed completely.
Practical Steps–Follow these do’s and don’ts of validation:
VALIDATION DO’S (examples of ways to validate):
- I can see why that would upset you…
- That’s understandable considering _____…
- I understand why you’re frustrated…
- You must feel _____…
- I would be _____ too…
- I would feel the same way…
- Anyone would feel _____ in that situation…
- Wow, that must have been ____…
VALIDATION DON’TS (examples of what NOT to do—these will invalidate):
Don’t minimize their feelings or problems
- “That’s not a big deal…it could be worse…I’m sure it’s not as bad as you think”
- Minimizing makes the other person feel like you believe their feelings are invalid or that the situation is undeserving of their feelings. It sends a message, “You’re crazy for feeling that way. Something must be wrong with you.”
- Dr. Les Parrott says, “Women need to have their feelings validated and accepted. They need to have you see and experience the world the way they do, instead of explaining to them why they shouldn’t see it that way.”
Don’t try to fix the problem
- I love the saying, “The problem is not the problem. The problem is how I FEEL about the problem! That’s the problem!”
- Most people are quite capable of fixing their own problems. They just need to talk about how they feel and to be heard. They need to vent!
- Too many times people offer unsolicited advice.
- This is usually a struggle for men because they are problem solvers and protectors.
- This is one of my biggest struggles too because I am a fixer. I want to help people. My sister pointed this out to me ever so gently many years ago. So now we have an agreement. When she’s calling to “vent”, I say “Are you just needing to vent or do you want my advice/opinion?” Or, she prefaces the conversion with “I need to vent” or “I need some advice”, and then I know how to respond. Try using these phrases in your relationships. They work wonders!!
Don’t judge
- This includes justifying the actions of or making excuses for the “wrongdoer”. This sends the message “You are wrong. They are right.” Or “I’m on their team, not yours.” People tend to feel judged in this scenario. Giving the “wrongdoer” the benefit of the doubt should wait at least until you have properly validated feelings.
- Judging would be saying anything that would lead the other person to believe that how or what they are feeling is wrong. They may even feel rejected or attacked.
Here is an excellent article in Psychology Today giving more in-depth information on the importance of validation. Also, in their book “For Men Only: A Straightforward Guide to the Inner Lives of Women”, Shaunti and Jeff Feldhahn provide some extremely valuable insight into the importance of listening, feelings and validation. And yes, I realize the book’s title is “For Men Only”—that’s why I bought it for my husband!
Additionally, wasn’t it nice of me to read it first and leave little post-it notes on the important parts?! (This was in my younger, more foolish years when I didn’t know better! 😉) These people were smart cookies too because there is TOTALLY a section in the front of the book titled “Note to Women Readers”. How’d they know?! Man, they’re good!—probably why I like their books so much.
Shaunti also wrote “For Women Only: What You Need to Know About the Inner Lives of Men”. I highly recommend this book too because it delivered some pretty major eye openers for me that have helped me and my marriage tremendously.
Good intentions can still hurt
In conclusion, I really believe sometimes people have the best of intentions. However, good intentions can still cause a lot of hurt and pain and make a bad situation even worse. In no way does a “good intention” make up for that.
“The evil that is in the world almost always comes of ignorance, and good intentions may do as much harm as malevolence if they lack understanding.” -Albert Camus
It’s so comforting to know that I have a few friends that will validate me—regardless. Even if I AM wrong—they recognize and point out that my feelings are very real and valid (then they might correct me later 🙂 ). I will continue to try to grow in this area myself, and I encourage you to do the same. Believe me, your relationships will flourish because of it!
Also remember…you have a loving heavenly father that will also validate you!
“He’ll validate your life in the clear light of day and stamp you with approval at high noon. ” Psalm 37:6 (MSG)
How about you? Have you ever been hurt by a lack of validation? Tell us about it by leaving a comment below.
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