Make Others Feel Taller NOT Smaller
Most people are drawn to the type of people who make others feel taller not smaller. People like to be around other people who make them feel better about themselves. In general, people pull away from and don’t like to be around those who make them feel bad about themselves. Nobody likes to be around people who are cruel, mean, and rude (especially if that’s their typical nature most of the time). This type of behavior is a sure-fire way to cut people out of your life! It’s like the wrong end of a magnet repelling people…pushing them away instead of drawing them in.
People are drawn to those who make them feel good about themselves. On a side note…Did you know that’s a significant factor in why many people have affairs? It’s not that they necessarily like the other person that much. It’s that they like themselves better when they’re around that person. In affairs, those other people (i.e. affair partners) make them feel better about themselves.
Someone made me feel smaller
I have been around people who have made me feel smaller NOT taller on a number of occasions. Several years ago, I was involved in a situation that, quite honestly, made me feel like crap. I was around someone who felt the need to “tell me the truth” because “true friends tell the truth”. It made me feel very badly about myself, about how I looked, and about the mistakes I made. I honestly felt I couldn’t do anything right, and even when I tried, that too was criticized. It had a tendency to make me dread being around this person in particular. Have you ever felt like that? It’s pretty miserable. Thankfully, I’m getting better about dealing with these feelings (okay…after a few tearful moments), but the initial feelings are very real nonetheless.
After being on the receiving end of hurtful situations like this, I wanted to make sure that I’M not a person who does this to others. I wanted to be sure I was the kind of person that will make others feel taller not smaller. So, I compiled a list of “Do’s” and “Don’ts” of practical steps that each of us can take to make sure we are NOT the kind of person that is like the wrong end of a magnet that repels people. (I actually compiled this list on my phone at 3:00 am in the morning after the bad experience I mentioned earlier because I couldn’t sleep due to being so hurt and angry!)
I, too, have been guilty of making others feel smaller, not taller
Unfortunately, I’m embarrassed to say that I have done some of the things on the “Don’t” list in my own personal relationships. I have been guilty of being overly critical—especially of my husband. People may tend to do these things or cause others to feel badly out of insecurity. I know I have. 🙁 Oftentimes, people may not even realize they are being so cruel, and it may not even be their intention. That being said though, we each need to aspire to be the kind of person that draws people to us instead of pushing them away. We need to make others feel taller not smaller. This is what makes for successful, lasting relationships.
After reading the “Don’t” list, if you find yourself saying “Well, what’s wrong with these things?” Or “A true friend would do these things”, then you’re probably the kind of person that makes people feel smaller. Maybe you don’t even know it. Many people think they are doing others a favor by the types of words and actions listed below. However, in reality, they are doing others, themselves, AND the relationship a great disservice.
Take Some Practical Steps to Make Others Feel Taller NOT Smaller:
To make others feel taller NOT smaller DON’T…
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Don’t always correct others.
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Don’t belittle others.
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Avoid being uber critical–i.e. Don’t always point out the flaws or the negative.
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Don’t always be negative (the Bible has a lot the say about complaining and about the griping or nagging woman, and I would imagine this applies to men as well! —Proverbs 19:13, Proverbs 21:9, Proverbs 21:19, Proverbs 25:24, Proverbs 27:15-16, Philippians 2:14, Ephesians 4:29, James 5:9, 1 Peter 4:9, 1 Corinthians 10:10 to name a few.)
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Don’t be such a sourpuss (i.e. a bad-tempered or habitually sullen person; grouch; killjoy; a person having a grouchy disposition that is often accompanied by a scowling facial expression).
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Don’t always point out a better way of doing things.
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Try not to talk about yourself all the time or put off an air of superiority.
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Don’t be an “I told you so!” kind of person. These words don’t even need to be said–this includes giving “the look”. It’s actually MORE powerful when you don’t say them. Seriously people…have some humility! 😉
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Don’t give little slights or jabs.
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Don’t give unsolicited advice (see this marriage post).
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Avoid making derogatory jokes about people or making fun of them or laughing at their expense.
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Don’t take pleasure out of embarrassing others.
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Don’t take your personal feelings out on others. Just because you might be having a bad day, doesn’t give you the right to take it out on those around you. If you’re upset about something, deal with the issue, and don’t make others around you feel bad.
To make others feel taller NOT smaller DO…
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First, remember to speak the truth IN LOVE, but DON’T be tacky. In other words…say it in a nice way.
“Instead, we will speak the truth in love, growing in every way more and more like Christ, who is the head of his body, the church.” Ephesians 4:15 (NLT)
You don’t always have to be so blunt. Sometimes being blunt can come off as harsh, cold, and heartless–the opposite of really caring. After all, why should somebody listen to you if you don’t appear to genuinely care about them? The approach is huge! If you are the type of friend that thinks you need to be brutally honest even if the truth is hurtful (and aren’t extremely cautious of your approach), you are probably the type of friend that most people will keep at arm’s length because they know you will hurt them…AND you probably don’t have very many close friends.
Exemplify the fruit of the spirit and other qualities outlined in scripture.
The old saying “the truth hurts” does not necessarily ring true in every situation. Jesus IS the truth (“Jesus told him, “I am the way, the truth, and the life. No one can come to the Father except through me.” John 14:6). He never hurts people–His approach is gentle, kind, and respectful, as is God’s–especially when correcting us. God calls us to be the same way:
“But the Holy Spirit produces this kind of fruit in our lives: love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control. There is no law against these things!” Galatians 5:22-23 (NLT)
“Therefore, as God’s chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness, and patience.” Colossians 3:12 (NIV)
“You should clothe yourselves instead with the beauty that comes from within, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is so precious to God…be tenderhearted, and keep a humble attitude.” 1 Peter 3:4 ,8 (NLT)
“Let your gentle spirit be known to all men. The Lord is near.” Philippians 4:5 (NASB)
“Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you.” Ephesians 4:32 (ESV)
“But in your hearts revere Christ as Lord. Always be prepared to give an answer to everyone who asks you to give the reason for the hope that you have. But do this with gentleness and respect” 1 Peter 3:15 (NIV)
“Gently instruct those who oppose the truth. Perhaps God will change those people’s hearts, and they will learn the truth.” 2 Timothy 2:25 (NLT)
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Then learn to validate others (learn how here).
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Next, point out the good and positive things, even if flaws do exist.
“Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable–if anything is excellent or praiseworthy–think about such things.” Philippians 4:8 (NIV)
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Then, if you truly need to say something (i.e. speaking the truth in love, being a good friend, saying a certain outfit doesn’t look good 🙂 etc.), say your piece, and then leave it alone. Don’t keep harping. You’ll have the opposite effect of what you want. Talking or saying too much makes you look like a fool (read more in this post):
“…many words mark the speech of a fool.” Ecclesiastes 5:3 (NIV)
“A truly wise person uses few words; a person with understanding is even-tempered. Even fools are thought wise when they keep silent; with their mouths shut, they seem intelligent.” Proverbs 17:27-28 (NLT)
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Give GENUINE compliments to people (not just empty flattery)…and be generous with them!
“Therefore encourage one another and build one another up, just as you are doing.” 1 Thessalonians 5:11 (ESV)
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Furthermore, give grace. Allow people to make mistakes without rubbing their noses in it. After all, you’re not perfect either, and you wouldn’t want someone to do that to you.
“Do to others as you would like them to do to you…Do not judge others, and you will not be judged. Do not condemn others, or it will all come back against you. Forgive others, and you will be forgiven.” Luke 6:31, 37 (NLT)
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Put a filter on your mouth. Not everything in your head needs to come out of your mouth. You don’t always have to say everything that you are thinking.
“In the multitude of words sin is not lacking, but he who restrains his lips is wise.” Proverbs 10:19 (NKJV)
“Those who control their tongue will have a long life; opening your mouth can ruin everything.” Proverbs 13:3 (NLT)
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Say a prayer and ask God to reveal to you if you have been guilty of making others feel bad. If so, repent, and then make it right (learn how to apologize effectively here).
“Search me, O God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. Point out anything in me that offends you, and lead me along the path of everlasting life.” Psalm 139:23-24 (NLT)
“If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness. 1 John 1:9 (ESV)
“…Go and be reconciled to that person…” Matthew 5:24 (NLT)
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Lastly, be the kind of person that when people leave your presence they walk a little taller, smile a little brighter, and feel a little more loved!
Shannon Odell (a church pastor I’ve enjoyed listening to) once tweeted “Today when you leave the room, meeting, dinner table, ask yourself…did I make them feel SMALLER or TALLER?” This question has stuck with me, and it’s exactly what came to mind when I was hurt so deeply by others. My hope and prayer for myself and for you are that we can be the type of people that make others feel taller NOT smaller.
Have you been around others that make you feel “smaller” when you’re around them? What about you…do you make others feel taller NOT smaller? Tell us about it by leaving a comment below.
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*Updated: Originally posted 1/13/2015
