How to Recognize Love and Feel Loved by Others
**Please read the companion post too: How to Overcome Feeling Unloved or Unwanted.
Last week we talked about how to overcome feeling unloved or unwanted. We focused primarily on how to know that we are loved and wanted by God. I truly believe that is the first step in overcoming this kind of insecurity in order to feel loved and wanted. Once we realize that God truly loves us and wants us, it’s much easier to believe and recognize that we are loved by others in our life.
“We understand what love is when we realize that Christ gave his life for us. That means we must give our lives for other believers.” 1 John 3:16 (GW)
Sometimes we feel like the people in our life don’t love or want us. There’s a possibility that might be a reality to an extent (like it was for Leah when Jacob preferred Rachel—Genesis 29). In most cases though, it’s our perception that is flawed. The reality is that we ARE loved. We just don’t recognize it. Just because we don’t FEEL loved doesn’t mean we aren’t. Just because it SEEMS like someone doesn’t care, DOES NOT mean they don’t.
This even happened to Jesus when he was sleeping on a boat during a storm (Mark 4:35-41), and his disciples thought that he didn’t care about them since he was sleeping…
Jesus was in the stern, sleeping on a cushion. The disciples woke him and said to him, “Teacher, don’t you care if we drown?” Mark 4:38 (NIV)
Jesus’ disciples just assumed that he didn’t care about them because he wasn’t doing what they expected. Of course Jesus cared! Their assumption was wrong. We are guilty of this same type of assumption. Others in our life might not be meeting our own expectations of them. Quite possibly, those around us may not even know what our expectations are. Is it fair to expect somebody to do something when they don’t even know what’s expected of them?
We believe that if they loved us or cared about us they would do certain things (which vary from person to person). We think things like…
If he cared, he would say it more often. If she loved me, she would spend more time with me. If he loved me, he would help me out more. If she loved me, she would hold my hand. If he cared, he would think of me and buy me a thoughtful gift.
We often believe the lies in our head—the lies that the devil feeds into our thought life. “He/She doesn’t love me. He/She doesn’t want me. If he/she loved me, he/she would show it or show it more.”
People say they love us all the time. Sometimes though, they have trouble showing it. Maybe they’re just uncomfortable expressing love. Maybe they are expressing love but in a different love language than our own. A lot of times the problem is that the people close to us are probably already showing us that they love us, we are just not recognizing their gestures of love. Just because they are not meeting our expectations doesn’t necessarily mean they aren’t expressing love and care at all. It might just be in a different form that we are not as familiar with. Thus, the idea that “I don’t feel loved, therefore I’m not loved” is inaccurate.
Everybody expresses love in different ways. If you haven’t read Dr. Gary Chapman’s book, The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love That Lasts, I HIGHLY recommend it. I mean it—go buy it right now and read it! It will change your relationships (with everyone not just significant others)! I relate differently now not only to my husband, but to my kids, other family members and even my friends.
According to Dr. Chapman, the Five Love Languages are:
- Words of Affirmation—shows love by words (expresses love verbally, gives compliments, shows appreciation verbally, give encouragement, etc.)
- Quality Time—shows love by spending time and giving undivided attention
- Receiving Gifts—shows love by giving gifts that are heartfelt and thought-out and demonstrating visual symbols of love
- Acts of Service—shows love by serving, helping and doing things for others
- Physical Touch—shows love by touch such as hugs, rubs, pats, holding hands, etc.
Just the simple act of knowing what the love languages are and being able to recognize some of the expressions of each of them has made a significant impact on how I feel loved and cared for by others. Even if they are not expressing love in my primary love languages, I can see that they are expressing love in their own way. This bit of knowledge reassures me that I am, indeed, loved. I still prefer to be shown in my dominant love languages, but even if I’m not, I’m able to recognize love in various forms now. So when I prefer that my husband offers to help me with dinner but instead gives me a smack on the hiney when he walks by, I still know I’m loved because physical touch is one of his primary love languages. 🙂 When my son is constantly begging me to play Frisbee with him, he’s expressing love by wanting to spend time with me because he prefers quality time. Knowing my family’s love languages helps me to feel loved.
Take Some Practical Steps to Recognize Love and Feel Loved by Others:
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Learn about the Five Love Languages, and learn how to recognize them by reading Dr. Gary Chapman’s book, The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love That Lasts. (If you’re a parent, you can also learn about the love languages of your children in The 5 Love Languages of Children and The 5 Love Languages of Teenagers New Edition: The Secret to Loving Teens Effectively.)
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Learn your own primary love languages by taking the online Love Language Profile found here. My primary love languages are Receiving Gifts and Acts of Service. The profile results look like this…
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Share what your love language is with those people that you’re close to. Educate them on the types of things that make you feel loved. Communicate what your expectations are and give them examples.
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Encourage those in your life to learn about their own love language and share it with you. Knowing their love language will help you to recognize when they are expressing love. Sometimes, you can discern what their primary love languages are without them even telling you. People most often express love in their own primary love language. So once you learn the signs and types of expressions of love of each of the five love languages, you’ll be able to tell what other’s love languages are fairly easily.
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Make it a point to pay attention to the expressions of love of those in your life—even if they are not expressed in YOUR primary love language. These expressions of love mean…YOU ARE LOVED! Recognizing that others are expressing love (even in a differing love language) will help you to feel loved. Ultimately you will feel truly loved when they can learn to express love in your primary love language, but until then it is still possible to recognize and feel loved even without that.
**We’ll discuss tips for expressing love in different love languages in a future post.
**If you haven't done so already, please read the companion post too: How to Overcome Feeling Unloved or Unwanted.
What are your primary love languages? What types of things help you feel loved? Leave a comment below (or click on the post link to join the conversation if you’re viewing through e-mail).
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