Category Archives: Relationships

How to Apologize Effectively

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How to Apologize Effectively

How to Apologize Effectively

Updated post (*originally published 8/5/14)

“So if you are presenting a sacrifice at the altar in the Temple and you suddenly remember that someone has something against you, leave your sacrifice there at the altar. Go and be reconciled to that person. Then come and offer your sacrifice to God.” Matthew 5:23-24 (NLT)

I stumbled onto something pretty cool previously that I thought I’d share with you.  I think you’ll like it too!  It’s a free personal profile to discover your “apology language”.

I’m a HUGE fan of Dr. Gary Chapman, who is best known for his New York Times bestseller: The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love That Lasts and the series of books that go along with it.  A few years ago I was listening to one of the Focus on the Family podcasts, and Dr. Chapman was discussing the Five Love Languages and how there are also five languages of apology.  He’s co-authored a book with Dr. Jennifer Thomas titled When Sorry Isn’t Enough: Making Things Right with Those You Love in which they detail the study of apologies and how people give and receive them.

Listening to the podcast, I found this very intriguing because I’ve noticed myself sometimes having a hard time receiving somebody’s apology simply because of the delivery or because it didn’t feel genuine to me.  Dr. Chapman mentioned that “If you receive an apology that omits your apology language, chances are you won’t fully accept it or even recognize it as an apology.”  The goal of their book was to help people “learn the techniques to effectively recognize and deliver apologies and watch relationships thrive as a result”.

The five basic languages of apology are: Continue reading →

She forgot her backpack…Allowing natural consequences

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She forgot her backpack...allowing natural consequences

She forgot her backpack…Allowing natural consequences

A couple of weeks ago I experienced a hard day as a momma. In fact my journal entry for that day reads, “Today is a little rough as a mom to see through natural consequences for my child.”

My daughter had been pretty irresponsible lately (not getting chores done, taking much longer than it should to get things done, forgetting things, and so on). On this particular day, she had forgotten her backpack with her homework at home because she wasn’t paying attention and focusing on the right things. She also forgot to drink her milk that morning even after being reminded.

At school, as she was getting out of the car, she noticed that she had forgotten her backpack. She didn’t ask me to go get it and bring it back to her because she knew she’d already used up her one “grace” already this school year. I give each of my kids one “grace” per school year where I’ll retrieve a forgotten item just one time.

Part of me REALLY wanted to go back home and get it for her though. She had such a discouraged look on her face that broke my heart. However, something inside me reminded me that she needs to have her natural consequences as a learning opportunity. I was struggling so much internally though I even called Eric to ask him if I should go back and get it for her. As soon as I heard myself asking him though, “don’t do it!” was running through my head. Eric had the same response, especially considering her recent irresponsible behavior.

It still just made me so sad because I don’t want my kids to have to suffer discouragement, pain or heartache. I think God must feel this way at times too.

God is also a good, but just parent

Thinking about it all reminded me of a previous post I wrote where I talked about being sad when I wanted to do nice or fun things for the kids but their bad behavior prevented me from doing so. At that time I also had the realization that God must experience similar emotions and how he is a good but just parent. He allows us to experience many of our natural consequences. Though as a parent, he probably doesn’t like it, and it makes him really sad to see us experience pain and hardship too.

Consequences teach necessary life skills

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Could the Shepherds Who Visited Jesus Have Been Women?

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Could the Shepherds Who Visited Jesus Have Been Women?

Could the Shepherds Who Visited Jesus Have Been Women?

The Shepherds and Angels

“That night there were shepherds staying in the fields nearby, guarding their flocks of sheep. Suddenly, an angel of the Lord appeared among them, and the radiance of the Lord’s glory surrounded them. They were terrified, but the angel reassured them. “Don’t be afraid!” he said. “I bring you good news that will bring great joy to all people. The Savior—yes, the Messiah, the Lord—has been born today in Bethlehem, the city of David! And you will recognize him by this sign: You will find a baby wrapped snugly in strips of cloth, lying in a manger.”

Suddenly, the angel was joined by a vast host of others—the armies of heaven—praising God and saying, “Glory to God in highest heaven, and peace on earth to those with whom God is pleased.”

When the angels had returned to heaven, the shepherds said to each other, “Let’s go to Bethlehem! Let’s see this thing that has happened, which the Lord has told us about.”

They hurried to the village and found Mary and Joseph. And there was the baby, lying in the manger. After seeing him, the shepherds told everyone what had happened and what the angel had said to them about this child. All who heard the shepherds’ story were astonished, but Mary kept all these things in her heart and thought about them often. The shepherds went back to their flocks, glorifying and praising God for all they had heard and seen. It was just as the angel had told them.” Luke 2:8-20 (NLT)

Female Shepherds?

About this same time a year ago, I saw an Instagram post on shepherds from Dave Adamson. Dave is a favorite of mine, often giving Hebrew and biblical background and insight in his devotions (go give him a follow—he’s amazing!). This post (below) offered a paradigm shift for me and for the way I could potentially look at the nativity and the shepherds. In this case, what stood out to me the most initially was that I never thought of the shepherds potentially being women.

“Christmas is a time when we many of us break out nativity scenes of adorable baby Jesus laying on golden straw, surrounded by Mary and Joseph, some cute sheep and lambs, and a few friendly shepherds. We do this because while we instinctively know that Jesus’ first century birth was not clean or sanitary by modern standards, we want it to look as inviting as possible. But when we do this, we also risk inadvertently sanitizing the Good News of the story. Let me explain.

On a trip to the Holy Land, I had the chance to meet a shepherd herding her sheep. Yes, I said “her”, because in the Middle East, shepherds are culturally most often the young girls of the family—unless there are no daughters, in which case it falls to the youngest son (like David). As I approached the flock—and especially the lamb in this image—the smell was overpowering, even from a distance. In the first century, this smell marked a shepherd as an outcast. Author Alexander Shaia says; “To smell like sheep was the mark of shame. When you smell of sheep, everyone knew you were to be avoided.” But God chose to announce the birth of His son to these smelly, outcast shepherds, and even sent angels to invite them to see Jesus!

THIS IS THE GOOD NEWS—that Jesus left the comfort of heaven to welcome the outcast, and the shamed. He came to be a shepherd—to be surrounded by his sheep, to carry us on his shoulders. He came into our mess to smell like sheep.
Are you feeling outcast today? Do you carry shame and guilt? Is your life a mess? Then the Christmas story is for you!”[1]
“I am the good shepherd. The good shepherd lays down his life for the sheep.” — John 10:11

Could the shepherds who visited Jesus have been women?

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Talk Less, Listen More

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Talk Less, Listen More

Talk Less, Listen More

Do you guys know people who talk too much? You know the ones… The people who when they start talking everyone else’s internal dialogue starts to silently scream, “Oh, here we go again! Can you just shut up already!?” Unfortunately, it seems to be these talkative people who don’t seem to grasp the concept of talk less, listen more.

This has come up quite a few times recently in various settings. I often have to revisit this issue with my students in my college classes, in my Glory House classes, and in my youth small group. Listening is a critical part of communication—just as important, if not more so, than speaking. You’ve probably heard that God gave us two ears and one mouth for a reason—we should be listening twice as much as we speak. In fact, James 1:19 advises us to be quick to hear and slow to speak.

The harm of talking too much

I’ve written before in my post about KMS (Keep Mouth Shut), that this is a lesson that I’ve unfortunately had to learn. Additionally, learning how to KMS and talk less has been one of the hardest lessons (and ongoing for that matter) to master. I’ve seen firsthand some of the damage it can cause when we talk too much.

  • It hurts relationships
  • We come off looking like a fool
  • We lose credibility
  • Too much talk can lead to sin
  • We look arrogant, like a know-it-all, and come across as selfish
  • We can appear to be inconsiderate and disrespectful

Scriptures to encourage us to talk less…

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Restoring Relationship: Humility and Forgiveness

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Restoring Relationship: Humility and Forgiveness

Restoring Relationship: Humility and Forgiveness

God restores broken relationships. I already knew this. In fact, I’ve already experienced this in my own marriage. Today though, I saw a new perspective to restoring relationship from the story of Esau and Jacob.

“Then Jacob looked up and saw Esau coming with his 400 men. So he divided the children among Leah, Rachel, and his two servant wives. He put the servant wives and their children at the front, Leah and her children next, and Rachel and Joseph last. Then Jacob went on ahead. As he approached his brother, he bowed to the ground seven times before him. Then Esau ran to meet him and embraced him, threw his arms around his neck, and kissed him. And they both wept.” Genesis 33:1-4 (NLT)

Jacob betrayed Esau (Genesis 27). Esau had every right to be angry at Jacob and to avoid restoring relationship, even to the point of fighting and killing Jacob. Jacob knew this, hence his fear when Esau was approaching (Genesis 32:3-21, Genesis 33:1-2).

However, God stepped in and changed hearts…BOTH of their hearts. God changed the situation to the point where only HE could get the credit and glory for what took place.

Jacob humbled himself.

‘He told them, “Give this message to my master Esau: ‘Humble greetings from your servant Jacob. Until now I have been living with Uncle Laban, and now I own cattle, donkeys, flocks of sheep and goats, and many servants, both men and women. I have sent these messengers to inform my lord of my coming, hoping that you will be friendly to me.’” Genesis 32:4-5 (NLT)

“Then Jacob went on ahead. As he approached his brother, he bowed to the ground seven times before him.” Genesis 33:3 (NLT)

“But Jacob insisted, “No, if I have found favor with you, please accept this gift from me. And what a relief to see your friendly smile. It is like seeing the face of God!” Genesis 33:10 (NLT)

““All right,” Esau said, “but at least let me assign some of my men to guide and protect you.” Jacob responded, “That’s not necessary. It’s enough that you’ve received me warmly, my lord!”” Genesis 33:15 (NLT)

Esau offered forgiveness and harbored no ill-will.

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Time Management–Priorities

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Time Management: Priorities...one thing is needed

Time Management–Priorities

“One thing is needed…”

“Now it happened as they went that He entered a certain village; and a certain woman named Martha welcomed Him into her house. And she had a sister called Mary, who also sat at Jesus’ feet and heard His word. But Martha was distracted with much serving, and she approached Him and said, “Lord, do You not care that my sister has left me to serve alone? Therefore tell her to help me.”

And Jesus answered and said to her, “Martha, Martha, you are worried and troubled about many things. But one thing is needed, and Mary has chosen that good part, which will not be taken away from her.” Luke 10:38-42 (NKJV)

*This post was inspired by Matthew Henry’s commentary on this passage of scripture.[1]

Many people often read this story and relate to one of the characters, either Martha or Mary. I relate to Martha. In fact, in the same situation, I can’t say that I would’ve reacted much differently than Martha did. If I was working hard and somebody else was just sitting around leaving me to do all the work by myself, I would’ve been irritated too! This is why it’s always been pretty convicting for me when I read this.

However, I think all too often most people read this story like I did and think it’s a lesson of how Martha was bad and Mary was good. Then about 5 years ago I got a different take on this story after reading Matthew Henry’s commentary. This isn’t a story of good versus bad. It’s a story of priorities.

Martha and Mary had very different personalities. Martha was probably a perfectionist (as many of us are), and Mary was probably a little more relaxed and laid back. Differences in personality are not wrong or bad. God does not want us to change our personalities—He just wants us to fix our priorities. Jesus wasn’t asking Martha to be more like Mary–He was just pointing out that Mary had correct priorities. Jesus also did not say that what Martha was doing wasn’t important—He just said “one thing” was necessary or needful (which was time with him or making him a priority). Like Martha, it’s so easy for us to get busy with the many things of life and miss out on the “one thing” that is the most important—time with the Lord. 

It’s easy to get busy and miss out on the most important “one thing” —time with God.

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Admirable things about Martha

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With a Long Life I Will Satisfy You…

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With a long life I will satisfy you...

With a Long Life I Will Satisfy You…

My family took another hit this past week as we had another death in the family. I mentioned a couple of weeks ago that we lost my cousin. This past week we lost the matriarch of our family, my 92 year old grandmother. Though her death was very difficult, there was still a lot of peace and comfort in her passing because we know she was the epitome of a godly woman who lived a long and rewarding life leaving behind a magnificent legacy. Now she is with her Jesus, a long awaited dream of hers.

“For those who follow godly paths will rest in peace when they die.” Isaiah 57:2 (NLT)

There are so many things that come to mind when I think of my grandma, so many things from which we all could learn. She totally rocked the whole Proverbs 31 thing! As I’ve discussed before, these are not just important character traits for women. She was very family-oriented, and she loved her husband deeply. She had a great love for people and welcomed them with open arms, even the sometimes unlovable or those who occasionally made poor life choices. Forgiveness and generosity were in her nature. She had a gentle, quiet spirit.

“You should clothe yourselves instead with the beauty that comes from within, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is so precious to God.” 1 Peter 3:4 (NLT)

Most importantly though, my grandma loved Jesus with all of her heart. I think her greatest desire was for her family to share that love of God.

The morning of her funeral

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Comfort: Together-Strength

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Comfort: Together-Strength

Recently, I’ve come to learn that comfort is a word where its meaning has evolved over the years. Its original meaning might not necessarily correlate to how we often use and view it today. Not that our current use of the word is incorrect…but maybe it has an even deeper meaning.

I stumbled across this perspective of the word comfort in a reading plan that I started in my YouVersion Bible app last week. I started a plan called “When God Doesn’t Make Sense”. I’ve been a Christian long enough to know that we can’t always explain things that happen, even though inside our innermost being we just can’t help but to wonder WHY at times.

A “why” moment

I was in one of those “why” modes last week. These moments for me are typically short-lived because I know I’m not guaranteed an answer on this side of heaven. However, I still find myself indulging in them from time to time…hence why I looked up and started the reading plan about God not making sense.

A little over a week ago, we had a very difficult death in our family. My cousin’s wife passed away after a very long health battle. She was very young, only in her 30’s, and the mother of 2 small children. Honestly, I didn’t know her well at all, but I know enough from other family members to know that she was a godly woman. The family has been believing for her healing and recovery for quite some time now.

Her family recently uprooted their lives and relocated to Minnesota to be near the Mayo Clinic where she was being treated. She had been awaiting a liver transplant. After numerous false alarms, they finally found a match. Unfortunately, on the day of her surgery—the day that everyone had been waiting and praying for…the day that was supposed to be a happy day—she passed away. That’s not how it was supposed to go. That’s not the ending we had all been praying for.

How could there possibly be any comfort?

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