Category Archives: Relationships

True Repentance: What to look for…

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True repentance: what to look for...

True Repentance: What to look for…

You hear about people that have done things to hurt or wrong others and then apologize and immediately relationships are restored. Then, that same person may turn around and repeat that same offense only to cause further hurt and damage trust in their relationships. The offended may feel frustrated and confused because the offender apologized, and they truly felt it was genuine. So what happened? Did they restore relationship too quickly? Was the offender really sincere in their apology? Was there really true repentance?

Unfortunately though, sometimes people deliver apologies or want to restore relationship without having true repentance. There are some gauges we can use to discern whether or not a person is indeed fully and completely repentant. There is some evidence that we can look for as well as some indicators that they may not be at a place of full and true repentance yet.

Let’s take a look…

Genuine apologies are offered in true repentance

Previously, I wrote a post about how to apologize effectively. In that post I mentioned a book that Dr. Gary Chapman co-authored with Dr. Jennifer Thomas titled When Sorry Isn’t Enough: Making Things Right with Those You Love http://ir-na.amazon-adsystem.com/e/ir?t=hapheapro-20&l=as2&o=1&a=0802407048 in which they detail the study of apologies and how people give and receive them.  The goal of their book was to help people “learn the techniques to effectively recognize and deliver apologies and watch relationships thrive as a result”.

The five basic languages of apology are:

  1. Accept Responsibility—this is basically just admitting you are wrong and accepting full responsibility for your actions
  2. Expressing Regret—this is a genuine “I’m sorry” and show of remorse for causing pain
  3. Make Restitution—in this form of apology you commit to making things right
  4. Genuinely Repent—this shows the sincere desire to modify your behavior and future actions
  5. Request Forgiveness—in this apology language you recognize the need for forgiveness, and you physically ask for forgiveness

A genuine apology that contains all five of these aspects may be an indicator of true repentance. However, words can only go so far, and as the saying goes…actions speak louder than words. So there are some other things to look for as well. Continue reading →

People Are Like Cheetos–They Rub Off On You!

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People are like cheetos...they rub off on you!

People Are Like Cheetos–They Rub Off On You!

Have you ever noticed how the more time you spend with someone, the more they rub off on you and the more you start to copy and mimic some of their behaviors?  I think this even happens sometimes unknowingly.  I’ve even heard it said that we even start looking like those we are around often.  Have you ever seen those “pets who look like their owners” pictures?  They’re hilarious!  Apparently, pets and owners can even rub off on each other.

I noticed once that I started saying a word all the time that my brother-in-law often used.  Actually, I think the process went from my brother-in-law to my sister to me and then even went to my husband and my son.  It’s the word “nice”.  I never used to say it so much, at least not in the same context.  Now it’s used with more of a sarcastic tone.

For example, when my daughter said, “Mom, the dog just threw up on the floor!”  My reply: “Nice.”  Or…my college students might advise me that our class Blackboard site has been up and down all week.  Me: “Nice.”  Or… when my iPhone crashed and lost all data, and then when I tried to restore it from a backup and got a message that said “Backup is corrupt” (And I later learned that when you create a backup, the previous backup is deleted and replaced with the new one, thus leaving the only backup I had as “corrupt” and unusable!  What’s wrong with this picture?!), my reply was “Nice!”

It’s just a word I picked up on from hearing them say it often, and then I started using it too.  Do you ever do this? Continue reading →

Practical First Steps Toward Racial Reconciliation

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Practical First Steps Toward Racial Reconciliation

Last week I posted about some of my own recent personal convictions on the issues of racism and social injustice. I didn’t want to overwhelm everyone by being too wordy, so I’m continuing my discussion this week of other things that God is having me work on personally in the realm of racial reconciliation. I’d also like to share some resources with you that have been really helpful for me as and grow, learn, and hopefully make a difference in this area.

As I stated last week, I ask you in advance to please give me grace for any errors in the way I may say this. I may not say the perfect thing in the perfect way. My goal is just to be a part of the conversation and to be a voice instead of remaining silent.

Turn of events

My heart has broken over the past couple of months as horrible events have unfolded very publicly exposing systemic racism. The horrifying shooting of Ahmaud Arbery triggered some very emotional conversation with my teenagers. Then not long after that I was brought to tears watching a video of an emotional delivery driver in my own state of Oklahoma who was detained for nearly an hour by residents in a gated community because of the color of his skin.

I was also completely shocked as I watched the video of Amy Cooper in Central Park calling the police with false claims about Christian Cooper as he was birdwatching. Then I saw the unbelievable footage of the killing of George Floyd. My eyes were being opening to the truth that widespread, systemic, active racism is very much still alive and active today. A fact that, I’m embarrassed to say, I have been ignorant of until recently.

I started spending more significant time in prayer about the issue of racial reconciliation and about my part, my role, and what God was calling me, personally, to do. I feel like God has been giving me steps to take in phases.

Praying about racial reconciliation

If there is one thing that I am, it’s that I’m a prayer warrior. I KNOW prayer is powerful, effective, and produces results.

“Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous person is powerful and effective.” James 5:16 (NIV)

Immediately, I was praying over the situations transpiring in our world. I prayed for so many different areas…direction, revelation, justice, restoration, reconciliation, unity, peace, healing & comfort, empathy, for eyes and ears to be opened, for God’s heart, for repentance, and against evil spiritual forces wreaking havoc. However, most of my prayers revolved around God showing me what my next step was and what I was supposed to do. I wanted God to show me areas where I have failed and need to repent, where I need to grow, and where I need to take a step.

I prayed:

“Search me, O God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. Point out anything in me that offends you, and lead me along the path of everlasting life.” Psalm 139:23-24 (NLT)

“Create in me a clean heart, O God, and renew a right spirit within me.” Psalm 51:10 (ESV)

Slowly and a little at a time, God started showing me areas where I had been blind, ignorant, and wrong. In continuing to pray, I also felt that God showed me that this was one of my roles in racial reconciliation—to continue to prayer earnestly and fervently about the issues and as I saw things arise. God reminded me that my prayers could make a difference. Therefore when any issues arise, I pray.

Then God showed me my next step…to educate myself.

Educating myself about racial reconciliation

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Are You Faithful or Unreliable?

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Are You Faithful or Unreliable?

Do you ever encounter people who are just unreliable? Many years ago I had a friend who would cancel our plans about 80% of the time. She was so unreliable that I could rely on her unreliability! My husband and I used to joke about it often, but it did truly wound me as a friend when I couldn’t count on her. She became untrustworthy. In fact, she and I are no longer in relationship BECAUSE she was not a faithful friend.

Faithfulness, reliability, loyalty, and commitment are very lacking among so many self-proclaimed Christians these days. David’s prayer in Psalm 12:1 seems to still ring true…

“Help, LORD, for no one is faithful anymore; those who are loyal have vanished from the human race.” Psalm 12:1 (NIV)

I recently read a daily devotional on this very topic. Consequently, this post is inspired by that devotion by Judy Jacobs, “7 Days of Preparing for Great Exploits—Day 5”.

“Moreover, it is required of stewards that they be found faithful.” 1 Corinthians 4:2 (ESV)

In her devotion, Judy Jacobs says that “Faithfulness was the mainstay of being a steward in Paul’s day; and—beyond a shadow of a doubt—it still is.”[1] Faithfulness, commitment, reliability, and loyalty should be one of many defining characteristics of followers of Christ. Faithfulness, in fact, is a fruit of the spirit that we should all operate in and display.

“But the Holy Spirit produces this kind of fruit in our lives: love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control. There is no law against these things! Galatians 5:22-23 (NLT)

How about you? Can people count on you? Are you faithful?

Faithfulness, reliability, loyalty and commitment are very lacking among so many self-proclaimed Christians these days.

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A poor reflection of Jesus

There are many negative consequences to being unreliable. One especially unwanted outcome of Christians who aren’t faithful is that it can give Christians (and Christ) a bad name. Having a lack of integrity in work ethic and/or reliability does not represent Jesus well. I’ve seen this (and written about this before) in a collegiate setting where students professed to be Christians, but then consistently showed up to class late or even missed class regularly. These same students put little to no effort into assignments and often had apathetic and lazy attitudes that were apparent. These types of students were a very negative reflection to other students and professors who knew they were Christians.

I LOVE the way the Message translation of Colossians 3:22-25 reads:

“Servants, do what you’re told by your earthly masters. And don’t just do the minimum that will get you by.  Do your best.  Work from the heart for your real Master, for God, confident that you’ll get paid in full when you come into your inheritance.  Keep in mind always that the ultimate Master you’re serving is Christ.  The sullen servant who does shoddy work will be held responsible. Being a follower of Jesus doesn’t cover up bad work.”

Other negative ramifications of being unreliable

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Acts of Kindness and Good Deeds

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Acts of Kindness and Good Deeds

We have some new little neighbor kids who just moved here from Phoenix a couple months ago. They’ve been coming to the back of the neighborhood where we live and playing in our creek/ditch. Their mom said it’s their favorite place in the whole neighborhood because of the trees and rocks and creek and such. They come catch tadpoles and frogs and crawfish.

I got an idea for act of kindness that my daughter and I could do for these little ones. I can’t take credit for the idea though. It came from my friend Kim. She and her daughter painted some rocks and put them out on walking paths as a surprise for some little girls in their neighborhood to find on their walks. This was such a great idea that my daughter and I decided to duplicate it for our new neighbors.

We painted some rocks in some fun designs and then set them all out in our creek for the kids to find when they come back to play sometime. The anticipation has been so exciting as we’ve been waiting on them to come back to find their surprises. We’ve even talked about expanding our idea to set little decorated rocks out at the base of some of our neighbors mailboxes as an act of kindness for them too so they might have a little fun surprise when they get their mail. Then we discussed even making more to take to some nature trails to lay out for other families and kids to find out some point, and we talked about making some to put in geocaches we find too.

Good deeds rock painting collage

Good deeds painted rocks collage

Expressing an act of kindness is a fun way to pass time

Doing good deeds and seeing the creative ways that others have done good deeds has been a wonderful way to pass the time recently during the COVID-19 pandemic as so many of us are homebound. We love watching clips lately from Some Good News, or following Good News Movement and Global Positive News on Instagram. It’s also fun to get inspiration from those internet or Pinterest posts tagged “faith in humanity restored”. If you’re ever having a bad day these are all good places to focus on the good, pure, lovely and admirable things.

“And now, dear brothers and sisters, one final thing. Fix your thoughts on what is true, and honorable, and right, and pure, and lovely, and admirable. Think about things that are excellent and worthy of praise.” Philippians 4:8 (NLT)

However, these are also some great places to get some good ideas for some good deeds! Jesus tells us to love our neighbor. (I’ve even written before about loving your actual neighbor.)

“The second is this: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’ There is no commandment greater than these.” Mark 12:31 (NIV)

This commandment is only second in importance to loving God with all of our hearts, souls, minds and strength.  I also personally believe that the second command—to love our neighbor—is one way HOW we go about showing our love for God in a tangible, practical way.  We can do this by doing good deeds, loving people, and showing God’s compassion and kindness toward them.  It really does stand out in today’s narcissistic and self-entitled culture where people rarely go out on a limb for another.

They will know we are Christians by our love

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Lessons from Barabbas at Easter

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Learn the symbolism of Barabbas in the Easter story

Lessons from Barabbas at Easter

I’m super excited about this week’s post!  I went all “college professor” on this one doing some extended research, even researching some books and scholarly articles to examine some history and expert opinions. With this being Easter Week or Holy Week, I’d like to share a bit of what I’ve learned about Barabbas.

A few years ago Pastor Brent Troxell, one of the pastors at my church, gave a mini-message of sorts before we took communion together at church. In less than 5 minutes, he spoke something so profound that impacted me as much as an hour long sermon. He shared part of the crucifixion story, specifically about Barabbas, in a way I had never heard before. It made such an impact on me that I made a note to go and study it further on my own, which is what I’ve done to write this post.

Pontius Pilate was convinced of Jesus’ innocence

I want to talk to you about Barabbas, but let’s back up and start with Jesus’ trial.

After Jesus was arrested, questioned, and falsely accused by the Jewish authorities, he was handed over the next day to Pontius Pilate, the Roman Governor of Judea (Matthew 27:1-2, Mark 15:1, Luke 23:1-2, John 18:28-29). Pilate questioned Jesus and was convinced that Jesus was innocent (Matthew 27:23-24, Mark 15:14, Luke 23:4, 13-16, John 18:38).

Paschal Pardon

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Stay in Your Lane

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Stay in Your Lane

My family recently took our first ski trip. My husband, Eric, had skied before when he was growing up, but the kids and I had never skied. This was new territory for us. To be very honest, my first experience with skiing was not fabulous. Consequently the majority of my frustrations didn’t even come from the dislike of skiing, but from the pressure and insistence of others who seemingly found it impossible for anyone to dislike skiing. During this whole ordeal I started seeing a biblical parallel…stay in your lane, and I’m not talking about a physical skiing lane although that’s probably a relevant lesson also! 😉

First, ski lessons

I’ll admit that I was a bit apprehensive from the start. Although I love the mountains, I’m not a big fan of cold weather. I’m also not very athletic. Coordination is not a particular skill of mine. For some reason my head knows what to do but my arms, legs, hands, and feet don’t always cooperate. I’m also not particularly fond of falling or getting hurt, which I knew would be inevitable when learning to ski in my mid-40s. I’m not quite as physically resilient as my kiddos.

Pre Crash photo

This was my last time on skis

Nevertheless, I’m a brave soul, so I proceeded with a fairly open mind. My daughter and I signed up for ski lessons (ignoring my husband’s advice to “just watch YouTube videos”). I knew about an hour into our 3 hour lesson that skiing was NOT for me. However, I pressed on with the lesson. After all, what kind of message would I be sending to my daughter to start something and not finish it? I’m not a quitter, and I don’t like to be defeated. That being said though, I typically know my boundaries and my personal preferences. I quickly learned that I did not like skiing, no matter how hard I tried to master the skill.

I opted not to ski the rest of day. Instead, I just enjoyed observing. The next day, I attempted the bunny slopes again. Then, against my better judgement, I allowed my husband to convince me to graduate up to the next size slope. Let’s just say a crash was involved, which resulted in a hurt elbow and knee and me removing my skis and marching the rest of the way down instead. That ended my attempts at skiing for the rest of the trip, even though in hindsight it’s kind of a funny memory now.

Why is it NOT okay for me to dislike skiing?!

The main problem I encountered though was not my inability to ski or my lack of love for it but instead the confrontations of people who insisted on my love and appreciation of skiing. It seemed unfathomable to some people that I just didn’t like it. I was consistently being pressured to keep trying, don’t give up, you’ll get the hang of it, you’ll like it if you just keep trying, you just need to overcome your fear, and on and on. I felt like people were trying to force me to do something that I KNEW internally was just not me, not in my wheelhouse, and not a part of my preferences. Why couldn’t people just understand that?!

To me it’s kind of like eating salmon. I don’t care how many times I try it (and believe me I keep trying it over and over…for years) or how it’s prepared, I hate salmon. It triggers my gag reflex. Bleh! Or…like running. You know those people that live for the next 5K or marathon? I’m not one of those either. I love walking. Running…not so much….unless something is chasing me. But then again, you have those people who insist on running being the best, most exhilarating form of exercise, and they want everyone else to love it just as much as they do. Have you ever met those people?

Maybe not everyone is a skier. Maybe some people are skiers, and some are runners, and maybe some are just observers or hikers or fisherman (another situation where I’d rather just sit and observe or ride along and read a book). Could it possibly be that maybe, just maybe, everyone can have different preferences, and hobbies, and roles? Might it not work out even better if people were different and had different tastes and different talents? Wouldn’t it be HORRIBLE if everyone were exactly the same?!

Stay in your lane—know and operate within your particular preferences, place, gifts, and talents

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Our Soul Longs for God

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Our Soul Longs for God

Recently I received an email from a reader questioning some strong emotions they have been experiencing even though they do not currently have an active relationship with God, nor are they involved in church or prayer. The reader expressed feeling an emotional draw and pull towards church. They communicated that they cry every time they hear a Christian or gospel song, in addition to experiencing overwhelming and even exhausting tears during the couple of times they have attended church as an adult. Their question was to ask how they could be experiencing such emotions and a draw to something with which they are not even that involved. My short answer: Our soul longs for God.

I think the REAL you, the deepest and eternal part of you—your spirit, is drawn to God, to Jesus.

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Deep down in our innermost being, our souls long for God. There are numerous scriptures in the Bible that talk about this.

Scriptures about how our souls long for God

“He has made everything beautiful and appropriate in its time. He has also planted eternity [a sense of divine purpose] in the human heart [a mysterious longing which nothing under the sun can satisfy, except God]—yet man cannot find out (comprehend, grasp) what God has done (His overall plan) from the beginning to the end.” Ecclesiastes 3:11 (AMP)

“Through the night my soul longs for you. Deep from within me my spirit reaches out to you…” Isaiah 26:9a (MSG)

“O God, you are my God, and I long for you. My whole being desires you; like a dry, worn-out, and waterless land, my soul is thirsty for you.” Psalm 63:1 (GNT)

“My soul (my life, my inner self) thirsts for God, for the living God. When will I come and see the face of God?” Psalm 42:2 (AMP)

“My soul (my life, my inner self) longs for and greatly desires the courts of the Lord;

My heart and my flesh sing for joy to the living God.” Psalm 84:2 (AMP)

“I stretch out my hands to You; My soul longs for You, as a parched land. Selah.” Psalm 143:6 (NASB)

“My soul longs for your salvation; I hope in your word.” Psalm 119:81 (ESV)

“My soul longs for the Lord more than watchmen long for the morning; more than watchmen for the morning.” Psalm 130:6 (WEB)

“For God is working in you, giving you the desire and the power to do what pleases him.” Philippians 2:13 (NLT)

“Behold, the days are coming,” says the Lord God, “When I will send hunger over the land, Not hunger for bread or a thirst for water, But rather [a hunger] for hearing the words of the Lord.” Amos 8:11 (AMP)

A hunger and thirst for Jesus

Something is missing without Jesus. Deep down something inside of us feels incomplete without him. Only Jesus can complete us. We have a hunger or thirst for something inside of us, and Jesus is the only one that can satisfy that hunger/thirst. Continue reading →