Category Archives: Relationships

Unequally Yoked Friendships

Unequally Yoked Friendships

Unequally Yoked Friendships

“Do not be unequally yoked with unbelievers. For what partnership has righteousness with lawlessness? Or what fellowship has light with darkness?” 2 Corinthians 6:14 (ESV)

As a college instructor, a church youth small group leader, and a parent of a teen, I get the opportunity to work with a lot of teens and young adults. A frequent conversation that comes up in each of these roles is that of friendships and choosing friends wisely. Even more specifically, we discuss “unequally yoked friendships” and when/why to engage in them or avoid them.

What does unequally yoked actually mean?

The bible often uses agricultural terms due to the relevance to the culture of that time. People could more easily understand spiritual principles when described with an agricultural analogy because it was relatable to something they already knew and understood.

A “yoke” is a wooden crosspiece, harness, or device that is fastened over the necks of two draft animals (usually oxen) and attached to the plow or cart that they are to pull (see the picture at the top of this post). “Yoke” is also a verb meaning to join, link, or unite something. Therefore, to unequally yoke two animals would be to join or link two animals together that are unequal in size, strength, or capability or to link two different kinds of animals (Deuteronomy 22:10).

If a person were to plow a field with unequally yoked animals, we could probably imagine the problems that could arise…uneven plowing or circular plowing, the smaller/weaker animal can’t keep up, the larger/stronger animal gets slowed down, more burden is put on the larger/stronger animal, etc. The uneven match puts the animals at odds with one another preventing them from being able to work together to perform the task set before them.

What does it mean when applied to our relationships and not team animals?

Therefore, as a relational analogy to be unequally yoked refers to linking, joining, or uniting two people that are not likeminded or differ in morals, values, and/or beliefs. Specifically in 2 Corinthians 6:14 it mentions not to be yoked with unbelievers, in other words, not to be spiritually mismatched.

Does it only apply to dating or marriage?

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7 Tips for Remembering Names

Bad with names? Here are 7 Tips for Remembering Names...

Bad with names?  Here are 7 Tips for Remembering Names…

Do you know that feeling of panic when you see someone you know, but for the life of you, you can’t remember their name?  I’ve been there a few times.  I’ve typically done one of two things in this case.  I either try to carry on a conversation without even having to say their name and without admitting I forgot, or I go ahead and admit that I have completely forgotten their name, beg forgiveness and ask them to remind me.

Oh…there is a third thing that I hate to admit that I’ve done…just flat out hide and/or act like I don’t see them.  I know!  I know!  That’s terrible!  Don’t act like you haven’t done it though! 🙂  On the receiving end of this situation though, I think I’d really prefer the other person to just admit that they don’t remember my name.  I actually respect people more for this.  Remembering names can be tough!

It feels good to be remembered

It does feel really great though when someone remembers your name, especially if you don’t expect them to.  I had this happen recently.  I was volunteering at church and had to check in at the front desk.  The girl working there said “Tracy, right?”  That made my day!  I have probably only seen her a handful of times, and I don’t think we’ve actually ever had a conversation.  You also have to understand, we have thousands of people that attend our church and hundreds of volunteers, therefore making it extremely difficult for remembering names!  To me, it was highly impressive that she could remember my name.  It made me feel really good.

I’ve also been on the flip-side where I run into a person that has met me several times yet still doesn’t remember my name.  This makes me feel Continue reading

How to Validate Others

How to Validate Others

How to Validate Others

Updated Post (*originally published 8/14/14)

“A friend loves you all the time, and a brother helps in time of trouble.” Proverbs 17:17 (NCV)

Humans have a need for validation.   More recently I’ve become more acutely aware of this.  Some of you make be thinking, “What the heck does she mean by validate?  Isn’t that where you get verification of visiting someplace to get out of paying the parking fees?!”  Well, that’s one definition!  However, I’m talking about the kind of validation where we verify and recognize that a person’s feelings are indeed genuine and show understanding of those feelings.

I have been hurt by well-meaning friends, family and even my husband at times because they failed to validate my feelings about a situation.  Most of the time my feelings are either minimized or judged, and then I feel like there’s something wrong with me.  I HATE the emotion of leaving a conversation feeling worse than when I started.

Some wise advice

My sister, Shawna, said it perfectly once (she’s very wise 🙂 AND a very good validator by the way):

“Some people are not empathizers.  They are not gifted at seeing through other’s eyes or trying to feel through their feelings.  People often play the devil’s advocate, when all we need ‘in this moment’ is to feel understood, to feel someone try to comprehend our frustrations.  Sometimes playing the devil’s advocate is not what people need in their first moments.  Often they need to be understood first.  When you get your feelings out (and often out-of-the-way) THEN you can look at things constructively for purpose and dealing with the situation.”

See!  Isn’t she wise?  She hit the nail on the head.  Also, to validate someone does NOT mean that you have to agree with them or believe that they are right.  Most of the time people just need to feel heard, not that you agree with them. 

When people are not validated properly, sometimes damage is done to a relationship.  Trust may be lost.  Emotional distance may be created.  A feeling of “safety” in pouring their heart out to you may dissipate.  If invalidation continues and becomes a pattern, the relationship may be replaced with another that does provide validation, or worse, the relationship may be severed completely.

Practical Steps–Follow these do’s and don’ts of validation:

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Wounds Heal But Sometimes There Are Scars

Wounds Heal But Sometimes There Are Scars

Have you ever experienced some kind of pain or trauma in the past but have since recovered and healed from that? Do you have reminders, triggers, or stimuli that bring that past pain up again? Does that mean that you aren’t completely healed? Not necessarily. Personally, I don’t think that this automatically means that you aren’t fully healed. Now, as a disclaimer, let me say that this most certainly could be the case, and that some healing might still be in process (as healing IS often a long process, especially when wounds are deep or trauma is severe). However, I also believe that there are times when wounds heal, but sometimes there are scars left behind.

Even after healing, there may be times when we still experience some subsequent pain. There might even be some external or internal triggers to prompt further pain or remind us of an old injury. There may be some additional healing and recovery to be done. Then again, it may just be a scar serving as a reminder of a wound that once was there.

Let me give you an analogy…an old basketball injury

Several years ago my husband, Eric, completely damaged his ACL and meniscus in his knee. “Obliterated” was the precise word the doctor used. Eric experienced excruciating pain at the time of the injury, and the pain lasted for quite some time. He eventually had surgery replacing and repairing parts of his knee, yet afterward he still experienced some pain for a while during the recovery process. He also had ongoing physical therapy for a while. Again this was all still painful, but the pain gradually diminished as his wound healed.

Though he now has permanent scars, over time the knee was completely healed and the pain was completely alleviated. However, it’s odd because there are times when the weather might trigger a flare up of pain in his knee at the scars. Even though the injury is healed, there is a trigger for pain from time to time. The pain doesn’t last indefinitely, and experiencing pain again doesn’t negate the fact that his injury is completely healed. Nevertheless, because of the old injury he just still suffers from subsequent pain on occasion even after healing, and sometimes there are external triggers that might cause a renewed temporary discomfort, ache, or soreness.

Additionally, because of the old injury and the initial pain affiliated with it, he tends to favor, protect, or guard that knee a little more. He wants to prevent that pain or that same or similar injury from happening again. That still doesn’t mean he’s currently experiencing pain or that it’s not healed. He just tends to be a little more cautious and careful—he’s more aware. He may even avoid some of the activities that were involved in the injury to begin with.

Wounds we experience, the scars left behind, and subsequent pain even after healing

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Combat in a New Kind of High Ground

Combat in a New Kind of High Ground

Combat in a New Kind of High Ground

Previously, I wrote about the benefits of high ground or of an elevated position. The name of the Lord provides us this advantage of an elevated position.

“The name of Adonai is a strong tower; a righteous person runs to it and is raised high [above danger].” Proverbs 18:10 (CJB)

This high ground gives us the advantages of protection from the enemy, of having a better vantage point of the enemy, and of a more advantageous fighting position.

When writing about these advantages, I stumbled upon an online article via Military.com that discussed focusing on taking the high ground…but in a completely different way than we might initially imagine. The article demonstrates that taking the high ground no longer means literally fighting from a higher, elevated position or terrain. Instead it involves immersion with the indigenous people.

From the article…

“In previous wars, the high ground, or the most advantageous place to be on the battlefield, was an elevated piece of terrain such as a hill or a mountain from which a unit could best defend themselves, build up their forces, and then advance to the next objective.

The wars in Iraq and Afghanistan are anything but conventional conflicts. We can’t battle Al Qaeda the same way we did the Germans in World War II. Sitting on top of a hill with superior firepower is no longer an advantageous position. In fact, it’s actually counterproductive when fighting an insurgency or an enemy that blends in with the local population. Generals Petraeus and Amos argued that the “high ground” in this type of asymmetric conflict isn’t any type of terrain but rather the indigenous people.

In order to win this “terrain” we have to come off the hill and immerse ourselves in the community. We need to create relationships with the local people, understand their fears and needs, provide security, and show them that working with us is more prosperous than siding with the insurgents. We have to win their hearts and minds.  It’s personal.  It’s face-to-face combat.  The only way to win the war is to create one positive relationship at a time.”[1]

Jesus took this kind of high ground!

When thinking of the benefits of the name of the Lord as an elevated position, I immediately saw Jesus in this new definition of high ground. Jesus took THIS type of high ground! In order to battle the enemy, Satan, Jesus came to this earth, into our terrain and into our world, and immersed himself with the local population, with the “indigenous people”. He became a human. He became one of us. This is incarnation, God becoming flesh assuming human nature by becoming a man in the form of Jesus Christ.

Jesus didn’t just fight from an elevated position in the high ground of heaven. He came to earth to become a part of the human race. He came down from heaven and immersed himself in the local community and established relationship with us. Because he came to do life as one of us, he understands our fears and needs. Jesus can relate to us and empathize with us because he was one of us. He knows what we battle. He was tempted as we are.

Because of what he did and sacrificed on our behalf he is able to provide security for us (a way out of sin and death). By Jesus building relationship with us (and us with him) we are able to see that working with him is more prosperous than siding with the “insurgent”, Satan/sin. Jesus came to win our hearts and minds. Jesus came to engage in face-to-face combat with our enemy.

Jesus immersed himself among the indigenous people…scripture references

“So the Word became human and made his home among us. He was full of unfailing love and faithfulness. And we have seen his glory, the glory of the Father’s one and only Son.” John 1:14 (NLT)

“Though he was God, he did not think of equality with God as something to cling to. Instead, he gave up his divine privileges; he took the humble position of a slave and was born as a human being…” Philippians 2:6-7 (NLT)

“Great indeed, we confess, is the mystery of godliness: He was manifested in the flesh, vindicated by the Spirit, seen by angels, proclaimed among the nations, believed on in the world, taken up in glory.” 1 Timothy 3:16 (ESV)

“But when the right time came, God sent his Son, born of a woman, subject to the law.” Galatians 4:4 (NLT)

“The law of Moses was unable to save us because of the weakness of our sinful nature. So God did what the law could not do. He sent his own Son in a body like the bodies we sinners have. And in that body God declared an end to sin’s control over us by giving his Son as a sacrifice for our sins.” Romans 8:3 (NLT)

“For this reason he had to be made like them, fully human in every way, in order that he might become a merciful and faithful high priest in service to God, and that he might make atonement for the sins of the people.” Hebrews 2:17 (NIV)

“For we do not have a high priest who is unable to empathize with our weaknesses, but we have one who has been tempted in every way, just as we are–yet he did not sin.” Hebrews 4:15 (NIV)

Then how do WE take this kind of high ground?

Our goal is the same as Jesus…to win the war against Satan and sin, by creating one positive relationship at a time. Win people to God, one relationship at a time. Evangelism is done better in relationship.

Take Some Practical Steps to Take This Kind of High Ground:

  • First, immerse yourself among the “indigenous people”. 🙂

You can’t reach people if you don’t engage with them! Take a step outside of your own comfort zone and venture, uncomfortably and awkwardly, into the sometimes messy lives of others. Put yourself out there. Be vulnerable.

Also consider this… Who do you avoid? Who makes you uncomfortable? How can you take a step to engage with them? In southern vernacular, “Get off your high horse and get down and dirty with the people.” The high horse isn’t the high ground you want! This might require doing a self-righteous self-check. 😉

It doesn’t always have to be hard, unenjoyable, uncomfortable, or awkward. Sometimes it’s easy and simple (sometimes deceivingly so) to engage with others, but you still have to take a step!

  • Secondly, create relationships.

Develop a rapport, trust, and relationship with those who are in need of help. Meet them where they are, and relate to them where you can. Find common ground. Utilize empathy and attempt to understand their fears and needs. Provide security and encouragement when and where you can.

Let people see Jesus in you and through you. Show others that it’s more prosperous to side with God.

How can you take this new kind of high ground by immersing yourself into your own community or into a community you’d like to reach? Who can you engage with this week, this month, or this year? Share with us by leaving a comment below.

Please note: I reserve the right to delete comments that are rude, disrespectful, sarcastic, offensive, or off-topic.  By posting on this site you agree to my Comment Policy.

P.S.  If you liked this post, you might enjoy receiving new posts delivered right to your inbox each week!  Sign up here

If you know anyone that could benefit from this, please pay it forward!  Share this post via the sharing links below.  “Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves receive from God.” 2 Corinthians 1:3-4 (NIV)

  1. Abrams, Michael. “Focus Your Transition on Taking the High Ground.” Military.com, www.military.com/veteran-jobs/career-advice/military-transition/focus-your-transition-on-taking-the-high-ground.html.

Let Your Life Speak Louder Than Your Words

Let Your Life Speak Louder Than Your Words

Let Your Life Speak Louder Than Your Words

This past week during our church youth group, a few of the student small groups got together for a Question & Answer session. During this Q&A session the topic of letting your life speak came up. A couple of the questions that arose had to do with how we, as Christians, should behave around unbelievers (non-Christians) or those with differing lifestyles. Some examples of the questions included:

How do I talk to this person who is an atheist?

How am I supposed to talk to people about God if they don’t believe the same way I do or have a different religion?

How should I treat homosexuals or transgender people (if I disagree with their lifestyle)?

A couple of the students and leaders threw some obvious answers out there…

“You treat them/talk to them the exact same way you’d treat anyone else!”

“Treat others in the same way that you would want them to treat you.” Luke 6:31 (NET)

“Jesus, himself, was found hanging out with the ‘sinners’. Jesus said ‘Healthy people don’t need a doctor–sick people do.’ (Luke 5:31 NLT) How are we supposed to impact or influence people that don’t believe if we don’t spend time with them and show them love? That’s what Jesus did.”

Let your life speak…aka Let your life do the talking

I tried to share some examples from my own life about how this might be played out practically. I shared how I felt that our lives are actually more impactful and powerful than our words. In fact, I might do better winning people over by keeping my mouth shut! In other words, we need to let our life speak louder than our words.

The following scripture has always been a significant one for me in this area…

“Wives, in the same way submit yourselves to your own husbands so that, if any of them do not believe the word, they may be won over without words by the behavior of their wives when they see the purity and reverence of your lives. Your beauty should not come from outward adornment, such as elaborate hairstyles and the wearing of gold jewelry or fine clothes. Rather, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God’s sight.” 1 Peter 3:1-4 (NIV) or said another way…

“…Then, even if some refuse to obey the Good News, your godly lives will speak to them without any words…” 1 Peter 3:1 (NLT)

I’ve mentioned before how I’m a fan of daily positive affirmations. One of my affirmations is “People see Jesus in me. I win people over by the way I live without saying a word.” My heart’s desire and prayer is that I am always a positive reflection and representation of Jesus because I know that I might be the only “Jesus” that some people see.

“And whatever you do or say, do it as a representative of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks through him to God the Father.” Colossians 3:17 (NLT)

Even Jesus told people to let their life speak

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Prayer for an Addict

Prayer for an addict

Prayer for an Addict

Addiction is a sensitive subject for a lot of people. It’s unfortunately one that comes laced with shame, brokenness, and often a loss of hope. There’s collateral damage surrounding an addict, often to those closest to them.

Sadly, I’ve witnessed the devastating effects of addiction firsthand and have personally experienced some of the collateral damage. Not only do I teach at a women’s restoration home, where many of the residents are recovering addicts, but I also have a brother who is an addict. I’ve seen their lives ripped apart to the point of losing everything because of their addiction. It’s extremely hard to watch, and I often feel hopeless and helpless.

One hard and fast lesson that I’ve learned is that you can’t help people that don’t want to help themselves. Until they are ready, there’s not much one can do…EXCEPT for one extremely powerful thing: Pray. I’ve been reminded of this recently when seeking counsel about my brother. Prayer should never be underestimated because it is immensely powerful and has the capacity to produce wonderful results.

“…The earnest prayer of a righteous person has great power and produces wonderful results.” James 5:16b (NLT)

Therefore I should never feel hopeless or helpless because I have a powerful God that is far bigger than any addiction. I CAN help by appealing to my God and interceding on behalf of my brother or others captive to addiction. Today, I’ve written a Prayer for an Addict based off of scripture that I plan to pray over my brother and others struggling with addiction. My hope and prayer is that this will be a resource for others to use as well.

Prayer for an Addict

Lord, Give _____ the desire and the ability (through Jesus) to do the right thing and to actually want to help himself/herself and to get better. Soften _____’s heart and help him/her to be tender and responsive to you and to the help, guidance, and counsel of others. Show _____ the way out when he/she is tempted. Help ____ to choose life. Surround _____ with godly friends and influences that will sharpen him/her. Hinder any ungodly influences and cause them to lose interest and depart. Protect _____ from any unsafe thing or person that would pursue him/her or that he/she would pursue. Send laborers across _____’s path to speak and show your truth and love to him/her. When _____ thinks about his/her failures and if he/she falls or relapses, help _____ know that he/she is loved and nothing he/she could ever do will ever separate him/her from that love. Finally, let _____ know that he/she still has a future and a purpose regardless of any past mistakes because you, Lord, can take ANYTHING and turn it around for good! I ask these things in Jesus’ name.

Prayer for an Addict

Scriptures this prayer was based upon:

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Slow Growth

Slow growth

Slow Growth

Well, it’s nearly springtime. I love the spring and planting season. It’s almost time to start thinking about my spring and summer garden. I absolutely LOVE gardening, and I’ve learned so many practical spiritual lessons from it. One such lesson is that of slow growth and gradual progress.

Like a plant, I should always be growing. Sometimes growth is slow and not as noticeable though. It’s often only detected in hindsight.

Consider a plant…

Most of the time, when I go out and look at my garden every day, I rarely notice a significant difference in size from one day to the next. It’s a slow growth that is unnoticeable without a time-lapse camera or video. However, if I look at the plant just every now and then and then think back to that same plant a month ago, I can definitely see a difference in size and growth. The same is true if I were to take a picture and then compare the plant to a month old (or more) picture of that same plant.

We usually can’t see the growth as it’s happening. It’s only in hindsight and retrospection that we can observe some of the progress.

Consider kids growing…

I don’t notice my kids growing from day to day. I can look at them each and every morning and they look exactly the same to me. However, if a friend or family member who hasn’t seen them in a while sees them, they always comment on how much they’ve grown.

This past school year my son went up 4 sizes in clothes all in one year! We even had to buy him new baseball pants and cleats midseason because he outgrew the others just since the start of the season. He was quite obviously growing. I just didn’t notice it daily. It’s a slow growth process. Though my bank account might not have considered it too slow having to buy new clothes so often!

Spiritual slow growth

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