Category Archives: Self-Esteem/Insecurity

Not Measuring Up to the Standards of Others?

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Not Measuring Up to the Standards of Others? Maybe you’re looking at the wrong standard. Learn how to overcome this type of insecurity...

Not Measuring Up to the Standards of Others?

Maybe you’re looking at the wrong standard.

The measuring stick of society and others around us cause many of us to deal with insecurity.

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The measuring stick of society and others around us cause many of us to deal with insecurity.  Not measuring up to the standards of others is one of the 9 Common Causes of Insecurity.  Everywhere we turn culture and society are telling us what we should and shouldn’t be.  Society says you need a degree or some type of formal education to succeed.  Commercials and reality TV show us the right car, the best house, and the perfect décor.  Every magazine will tell us the right designer to wear, the cool shoes to have and even the best products that will apparently make us a “somebody”.  Movies show the ideal family or what a “perfect” relationship/marriage looks like.  All forms of media exhibit disgusting displays of what the perfect body of a man or woman should look like.

It’s amazing to me the amount of marketing dollars spent on advertisements to fix any flaw you could imagine.  This isn’t just a modern issue either.  Look at these old advertisements I found…

Not measuring up to the standards of others? Look at this vintage vanity!

Vintage Vanity!

Many of us are surrounded with critical voices in our lives too.  Expectations are thrust upon us from every direction—in our homes, in our jobs, in our schools, in our volunteering, with our families, with our friends, and on and on.  We’re made to feel that if we don’t measure up to the standards of others we are somehow inferior.

So how do we overcome this? Continue reading →

How to Recognize Love and Feel Loved by Others

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Learn how to recognize love and feel loved by others

How to Recognize Love and Feel Loved by Others

**Please read the companion post too: How to Overcome Feeling Unloved or Unwanted.

Last week we talked about how to overcome feeling unloved or unwanted.  We focused primarily on how to know that we are loved and wanted by God.  I truly believe that is the first step in overcoming this kind of insecurity in order to feel loved and wanted.  Once we realize that God truly loves us and wants us, it’s much easier to believe and recognize that we are loved by others in our life.

“We understand what love is when we realize that Christ gave his life for us. That means we must give our lives for other believers.” 1 John 3:16 (GW)

Once we know God loves us, it’s much easier to believe that we are loved by others.

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Sometimes we feel like the people in our life don’t love or want us.  There’s a possibility that might be a reality to an extent (like it was for Leah when Jacob preferred Rachel—Genesis 29).  In most cases though, it’s our perception that is flawed.  The reality is that we ARE loved.  We just don’t recognize it.  Just because we don’t FEEL loved doesn’t mean we aren’t.  Just because it SEEMS like someone doesn’t care, DOES NOT mean they don’t. 

Just because we don’t FEEL loved doesn’t mean we aren’t.

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This even happened to Jesus when he was sleeping on a boat during a storm (Mark 4:35-41), and his disciples thought that he didn’t care about them since he was sleeping… Continue reading →

How to Overcome Feeling Unloved or Unwanted

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Learn How to Overcome Feeling Unloved or Unwanted

How to Overcome Feeling Unloved or Unwanted

**Please read the companion posts too: How to Recognize Love and Feel Loved by Others, and subsequent posts on What If God’s Love Isn’t Enough? and Recognizing God’s Love by Building Your Relationship with Him–Part 1 and Part 2. 

Feeling unloved or unwanted is one of the 9 Common Causes of Insecurity that we previously discussed.  When we feel loved, we tend to feel good about ourselves.  The opposite is true too, and that’s why we can become insecure (click here to read more posts on overcoming insecurity and poor self-esteem and how to realize your true value/worth).  There might be several reasons for someone feeling unloved.  Below are some examples of the types of people who might sometimes feel unloved or unwanted.

People who might feel unloved–You might see yourself in one or more of these examples.

  • Those from a family of divorce
  • Those who have gone through a divorce themselves
  • Those on the receiving end of infidelity
  • Those who have lost a job
  • Adopted children
  • Those on the receiving end of a breakup
  • Those living in a dysfunctional family
  • Those from a family of absentee parents
  • Those from an abusive home or situation
  • Victims of sexual abuse
  • Those who have made a lot of mistakes (or feel like they’ve messed up so bad they don’t deserve to be loved)
  • Those who have difficulty finding a significant other
  • Those who have experienced rejection in any form

An unloved girl in the bible

In the bible, Leah was married to Jacob, but she was not his first choice as a wife.  Her father actually deceived Jacob into thinking that he was marrying Leah’s sister, Rachel.  Jacob eventually did marry Rachel too, and he favored her above Leah.  Leah felt unloved by her husband (and rightly so) which made her insecure and believe that if she gave her husband children then he might finally love her.

“So Leah became pregnant and gave birth to a son. She named him Reuben, for she said, “The lord has noticed my misery, and now my husband will love me.”” Genesis 29:32 (NLT)

You can’t earn love. It must be freely given. #feeling unloved

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Come to the understanding that you are loved and wanted by God

People often try to overcome feeling unloved the same way Leah did—by trying to earn it.  Continue reading →

Feeling like you don’t fit in?

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Feeling like you don’t fit in? Somebody has already accepted you…

Feeling like you don’t fit in?  Somebody has already accepted you…

Acceptance is a big deal.  It seems like everyone I know has felt like they didn’t fit in at one point or another in their life.  It’s an awkward and uncomfortable feeling.  It can sometimes even cause some self-doubt and thoughts of “what’s wrong with me”.  At times being around certain people can even make us feel worse about ourselves.  The lack of acceptance by others is one of the common causes of insecurity.

It’s not a new issue either.  Timothy in the bible apparently didn’t feel accepted or didn’t feel like he fit in because he was young.  Paul had to explain to Timothy not to let his young age (or people who didn’t respect him because he was so young) get in the way of his ministry.

“Don’t let anyone think less of you because you are young. Be an example to all believers in what you say, in the way you live, in your love, your faith, and your purity.” 1 Timothy 4:12 (NLT)  

I heard a song on the radio the other day when I was riding with Eric.  It was actually a pretty catchy song, but listening to the lyrics made me a bit sad.  The song was “Cool Kids” by Echosmith.  Part of the lyrics say, “I wish that I could be like the cool kids ‘cause all the cool kids, they seem to fit in.  I wish that I could be like the cool kids, like the cool kids.”  I hear pain in this song.  I hear the hurt of not feeling the acceptance of others and not being able to fit in.  I hear a message that most people could relate to at some point in their life, myself included (“cool kids” might not even be kids).  Continue reading →

Flaws, Imperfections, Mistakes: Are they really all bad?

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Flaws, Imperfections, Mistakes: Are they really all bad?

Flaws, Imperfections, Mistakes: Are they really all bad?

Sometimes our flaws, imperfections and mistakes can be a trigger for insecurity.  I kind of bundled these in with “appearances and imperfections” as one of the 9 Common Causes of Insecurity.  Throughout the bible we see character after character that appeared flawed or unusable.  For example, Moses felt that he had an imperfection that would hinder him from doing what God wanted.

“But Moses pleaded with the lord, “O Lord, I’m not very good with words. I never have been, and I’m not now, even though you have spoken to me. I get tongue-tied, and my words get tangled.” Exodus 4:10 (NLT)

If I’ve learned one thing though, it’s that God uses the unlikely.  This gives me hope…That even through all my flaws, imperfections and mistakes (both internal and external), God can and WILL still use me. 

God uses the unlikely. 

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“[No] for God selected (deliberately chose) what in the world is foolish to put the wise to shame, and what the world calls weak to put the strong to shame.  And God also selected (deliberately chose) what in the world is lowborn and insignificant and branded and treated with contempt, even the things that are nothing, that He might depose and bring to nothing the things that are” 1 Corinthians 1:27-28 (AMP)

Jesus, himself, was unlikely…a baby, from Nazareth (considered a lowly town in Galilee), born in a manger (feeding trough) in a stable, and born of lowly parents.  This is not at all how most would expect the King of Kings and Savior of the world to come—unlikely.  Jesus’ blood line was also unlikely…including a liar/cheater (Jacob), an ugly/unwanted/unloved woman (Leah), a betrayer (Judah), a woman who acted like a prostitute and slept with her father-in-law (Tamar), a prostitute (Rahab), a murderer and adulterer (David), a polygamist and sex-addict (Solomon), and many kings who turned away from God.  Basically, Jesus descended from some pretty flawed and shady characters! Continue reading →

How to Feel More Secure About Your Appearance

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Appearance photo

How to Feel More Secure About Your Appearance

One of the 9 common causes of insecurity that we previously discussed was feeling insecure due to appearances.  This is an issue for BOTH men and women alike.  It only takes a few commercials or print advertisements to figure this one out.  A majority of them are marketing our appearance—clothing, hair, accessories, makeup, fitness/body image.  I shared how this one was a major issue for me too after my Miss Oklahoma pageant experiences and dealing with some infidelity in many of my relationships growing up.  I always felt like I could never measure up to those “other girls” or to the “ideal body image”—like I would never be as pretty or as fit.

Most of us already know that our appearance is not something that should make us feel insecure, but the reality is that it does.  So how do we overcome this?  Below are some mentalities that will help…

Ways to feel more secure about your appearance:

Know that you’re not alone (the majority of people are conscious about their appearance—dating back thousands of years).  Apparently this is also an issue that crosses the ages.  Image and appearance were important to the “women of old” too.

“Bezalel made the bronze washbasin and its bronze stand from bronze mirrors donated by the women who served at the entrance of the Tabernacle.”  Exodus 38:8 (NLT)

I found this verse interesting because if there were mirrors, then obviously people cared about what they looked like.

“Don’t be concerned about the outward beauty of fancy hairstyles, expensive jewelry, or beautiful clothes. You should clothe yourselves instead with the beauty that comes from within, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is so precious to God.” 1 Peter 3:3-4 (NLT)

Clothe yourselves w/beauty that comes from w/in, the UNFADING beauty of a gentle & quiet spirit.

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If they had to be told NOT to be concerned about outward appearance, then evidently it was an issue.  In a weird way, this was somewhat comforting to me to know that it’s not just a modern problem.  It would seem the devil struck people of all times with issues of insecurity—especially in appearance. Continue reading →

3 Mindsets to Stop Comparing Yourself to Others

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3 Mindsets You Need to Stop Comparing Yourself to Others

3 Mindsets to Stop Comparing Yourself to Others

Previously we talked about the common causes of insecurity.  Today, I’d like to share 3 mindsets that I personally use to overcome comparisons (an ongoing problem I deal with).  Comparing yourself to others is probably one of the most common causes of insecurity.  Even Jesus’ disciples compared themselves to each other.

“Then his disciples began arguing about which of them was the greatest.” Luke 9:46 (NLT) 

There’s always an opportunity to compare ourselves to others.  There’s always somebody “better” in one way or another.  I have caught myself comparing my house to a friend’s when I’ve attended a Bunco night or a bible study or envying a friend’s job because she was able to travel whereas I wasn’t able to.  I’ve even compared my gifts and talents to someone else’s because I didn’t think I was as talented as they were.  The truth behind it though was that I was using poor standards of measurement.  I measured myself against other people.  It’s an easy trap to fall into.

I have found that if I adjusted my thinking in three different areas, it was much easier to stop comparing myself to others.  The areas where I had to adjust my thinking were:

  • Using other people as my standard of measurement
  • Comparing unequally and taking the “unseen” into account
  • Realizing uniqueness in each individual and that each person plays different roles

Mindset #1 to stop comparing yourself to others: Don’t use other people as your standard of measurement.

Continue reading →

9 Common Causes of Insecurity

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Most people deal with insecurity in one form or another. Read about the 9 common causes of insecurity and see examples of each in scripture.

9 Common Causes of Insecurity

The last couple of weeks we’ve been talking some about self-worth and self-image (see the posts here and here).  Those of us who have negative pictures of ourselves deal with INSECURITY.  Actually, I would venture to say that most people deal with insecurity in one form or another.  This is also not just an issue that women deal with (notice most of the examples in the scriptures below are from insecure men). 

Insecurity is not a gender-specific issue. #insecurity

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Insecurity is not a gender-specific issue.  I’ve learned that even though men and women may be insecure for different reasons, the root causes and overcoming them are the same.  I’ve also discovered that there are 9 common causes of insecurity (there are definitely more, but these are the most common).

9 Common Causes of Insecurity:

  1. Comparing yourself to others 
  2. Appearances and imperfections (external or internal)
  3. Acceptance by others (i.e. fitting in, other’s opinions, etc.)
  4. Feeling unloved or unwanted
  5. Not measuring up to the standards of others (culture/society, media, etc.)
  6. Fear
  7. Failure (fear of OR previous failures, bad decisions, wrong living, etc.)
  8. Tragic incident or circumstances (death, abuse, infidelity, etc.)
  9. Getting significance in wrong things (job, gifts/talents, spouse, children, appearance, material possessions) 

Examples in scripture: Continue reading →