She forgot her backpack…Allowing natural consequences

A couple of weeks ago I experienced a hard day as a momma. In fact my journal entry for that day reads, “Today is a little rough as a mom to see through natural consequences for my child.”

My daughter had been pretty irresponsible lately (not getting chores done, taking much longer than it should to get things done, forgetting things, and so on). On this particular day, she had forgotten her backpack with her homework at home because she wasn’t paying attention and focusing on the right things. She also forgot to drink her milk that morning even after being reminded.

At school, as she was getting out of the car, she noticed that she had forgotten her backpack. She didn’t ask me to go get it and bring it back to her because she knew she’d already used up her one “grace” already this school year. I give each of my kids one “grace” per school year where I’ll retrieve a forgotten item just one time.

Part of me REALLY wanted to go back home and get it for her though. She had such a discouraged look on her face that broke my heart. However, something inside me reminded me that she needs to have her natural consequences as a learning opportunity. I was struggling so much internally though I even called Eric to ask him if I should go back and get it for her. As soon as I heard myself asking him though, “don’t do it!” was running through my head. Eric had the same response, especially considering her recent irresponsible behavior.

It still just made me so sad because I don’t want my kids to have to suffer discouragement, pain or heartache. I think God must feel this way at times too.

God is also a good, but just parent

Thinking about it all reminded me of a previous post I wrote where I talked about being sad when I wanted to do nice or fun things for the kids but their bad behavior prevented me from doing so. At that time I also had the realization that God must experience similar emotions and how he is a good but just parent. He allows us to experience many of our natural consequences. Though as a parent, he probably doesn’t like it, and it makes him really sad to see us experience pain and hardship too.

Consequences teach necessary life skills

I’m learning that allowing my children (and my students) to experience consequences will teach them necessary life skills. In his article, “Three Huge Mistakes We Make Leading Kids…and How to Correct Them,” Dr. Tim Elmore explains how allowing consequences is necessary.

“We rescue too quickly…This generation of young people has not developed some of the life skills kids did thirty years ago because adults swoop in and take care of the problems for them. We remove the need for them to navigate hardships.”^[1]

In the article, Dr. Elmore goes on to say that when we prevent our kids from learning to problem solve on their own, it can cause damage…

“Just like muscles atrophy inside of a cast due to disuse, their social, emotional, spiritual and intellectual muscles can shrink because they’ve not been exercised.”^[2]

The article also states,

“Editor at Large of Psychology Today, Hara Estroff Marano writes, “Research demonstrates that children who are protected from grappling with difficult tasks don’t develop what psychologists call ‘mastery experiences.’ Kids who have this well-earned sense of mastery are more optimistic and decisive; they’ve learned they are capable of overcoming adversity and achieving goals.” Kids who have never tested their abilities grow into “emotionally brittle young adults who are more vulnerable to anxiety and depression.””^[3]

Removing consequences disables and enables

Parenting strategies that bail kids out of trouble all of the time teach the child that anytime they fail, misbehave, or act irresponsibly an adult will come to the rescue and remove any potential consequences. However, this kind of strategy is only a short-term solution and will only disable our kids because the real world doesn’t work that way. It also enables our kids and reinforces negative behavior, even to the point of unspoken messages to continue that behavior because nothing bad will happen if they do.

Dr. Elmore recommends allowing the child to solve their own problem while providing support and having a discussion about how they got into the situation in the first place, what they’ve learned from it, and what they can do to prevent it in the future. 

Discipline and consequences are a scriptural principle

Discipline and consequences educate and train us. Challenges help us to grow stronger and mature and develop endurance, character, and hope.

“At the time, discipline isn’t much fun. It always feels like it’s going against the grain. Later, of course, it pays off handsomely, for it’s the well-trained who find themselves mature in their relationship with God.” Hebrews 12:11 (MSG)

“Consider it a sheer gift, friends, when tests and challenges come at you from all sides. You know that under pressure, your faith-life is forced into the open and shows its true colors. So don’t try to get out of anything prematurely. Let it do its work so you become mature and well-developed, not deficient in any way.” James 1:2-4 (MSG)

“These little troubles are getting us ready for an eternal glory that will make all our troubles seem like nothing.” 2 Corinthians 4:17 (CEV)

“We can rejoice, too, when we run into problems and trials, for we know that they help us develop endurance. And endurance develops strength of character, and character strengthens our confident hope of salvation. And this hope will not lead to disappointment. For we know how dearly God loves us, because he has given us the Holy Spirit to fill our hearts with his love.” Romans 5:3-5 (NLT)

“To learn, you must love discipline; it is stupid to hate correction.” Proverbs 12:1 (NLT)

“Think about it: Just as a parent disciplines a child, the LORD your God disciplines you for your own good.” Deuteronomy 8:5 (NLT)

“For the LORD corrects those he loves, just as a father corrects a child in whom he delights.” Proverbs 3:12 (NLT)

Some takeaways

Even though seeing people I love and care about have to endure consequences is hard, I know it is both good and necessary for them. It also helps to know that God feels the same way. Additionally, I shouldn’t get so irritated about consequences that I’ve brought upon myself (especially if God isn’t removing them) because it’s an opportunity for me to learn from my mistakes and grow.

Take Some Practical Steps When Dealing with Consequences (for both others and yourself):

• First, let others experience their natural consequences—don’t problem-solve on their behalf, rescue them, or attempt to remove any pain.

Although it’s painful to see them experience consequences, they will learn vital life skills and grow stronger and mature. Have a discussion guiding them to see how they got into this situation and what they can learn from it.

• Secondly, remember that removing consequences will enable and disable them.

You could create more problems than you solve when you do this (especially long-term).

• Also, remember that God feels the same way.

He hates to see us in pain too, but he knows that the lessons we will learn and the character we build are more beneficial than the brief discomfort at the time.

• Take your own consequences with stride and see them as a learning opportunity to grow and mature.

Don’t blame God for things that you’ve brought on yourself. He may not remove them, but he WILL be there with you through them.

• Finally, realize that there are indeed times for grace and mercy.

Thank God that he has not allowed us to experience ALL that we deserve!! There may be times when we need to offer up grace (giving what it not deserved) and mercy (not giving what is deserved) to others. For me, I try to listen to God or the Holy Spirit on this one in order to discern what to do. In the case of my daughter’s backpack, it was clear that I was NOT to remove her consequences. If you’re not sure, pray about it, and you should get a sense of what direction to take.

• Check out these additional resources (they’re free):

—Bible Reading Plan: 12 Huge Mistakes Parents Can Avoid. I think the principles are good for teachers and youth leaders as well.

—GrowingLeaders.com. This is Dr. Tim Elmore’s site and has valuable information for anyone working with children, students, or younger generations (parents, grandparents, teachers, coaches, youth workers, employers, etc.).

Have you ever had a hard time letting someone experience their natural consequences? Tell us about it by leaving a comment below.

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If you know anyone that could benefit from this, please pay it forward!  Share this post via the sharing links below.  “Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves receive from God.” 2 Corinthians 1:3-4 (NIV)

1. Elmore, Tim. “Three Huge Mistakes We Make Leading Kids…and How to Correct Them.” Growing Leaders, 12 Nov. 2018, growingleaders.com/blog/3-mistakes-we-make-leading-kids/. ↑
2. Elmore, Tim. “Three Huge Mistakes We Make Leading Kids…and How to Correct Them.” Growing Leaders, 12 Nov. 2018, growingleaders.com/blog/3-mistakes-we-make-leading-kids/. ↑
3. Elmore, Tim. “Three Huge Mistakes We Make Leading Kids…and How to Correct Them.” Growing Leaders, 12 Nov. 2018, growingleaders.com/blog/3-mistakes-we-make-leading-kids/. ↑