Tag Archives: interpersonal communication

Be Kind: Put On Your Kindness Hat!

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Be Kind: Put On Your Kindness Hat!

We live in such a polarized world these days. Even people within their own “in-group” are at odds in many cases, Christians NOT being exempt from this. Strife abounds, and we don’t have to look far to find turmoil, political and social unrest, religious animosity, rudeness, incivility, and unkindness. The t-shirt and bumper sticker saying rings true: Mean people suck. God calls us to be different though. He calls us to a higher standard–to be kind, even when it’s undeserved. It’s high time we all put on our kindness hats!

Last week I created a resource page with scriptures about kindness and the kindness of God. Those scriptures will serve as a foundation for this post where we’ll discuss some of the characteristics of kindness and what being kind might look like in action, in addition to WHY we should be kind and HOW to be kind, especially when it’s not easy or might not come naturally.

Characteristics of kindness

In many New Testament scriptures about kindness or instructions to be kind, the original Greek language defines some of the characteristics of kindness that are relayed.

Some of the Greek words (stemming from the same root) include “chrestos”, “chrestotes”, and “chresteuomai”. The meanings and characteristics include things like…

    • Kindness, to be kind
    • Gentleness, to be gentle
    • Goodness, to be good
    • Graciousness, to be gracious or offer grace
    • to be considerate and thoughtful of others
    • to show oneself useful (in manner and morals)
    • excellence (in character or demeanor)
    • to act benevolently
    • to be friendly

In some scriptures, and in the original language, the word “kindness” is paired or interchanged with “gentle spirit” (“epiekes” in Greek). This carries the meaning of things like…

    • Gentle
    • Moderation
    • Patient
    • Mild
    • Appropriate (fair, equitable, reasonable)
    • to be considerate
    • to be kind
    • Reasonableness
    • Unselfishness
    • Forbearing Spirit
    • Graciousness
    • Mercy
    • Tolerance

Some verses in different translations can relay and expand in these characteristics and meanings:

“Be kind and helpful to one another, tender-hearted [compassionate, understanding], forgiving one another [readily and freely], just as God in Christ also forgave you.” Ephesians 4:32 (AMP)

“And become useful and helpful and kind to one another, tenderhearted (compassionate, understanding, loving-hearted), forgiving one another [readily and freely], as God in Christ forgave you.” Ephesians 4:32 (AMPC)

“But the Holy Spirit produces this kind of fruit in our lives: love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control. There is no law against these things!” Galatians 5:22-23 (NLT) *See the similar characteristics that go hand in hand with kindness

“Your kindness should be known to all!” Philippians 4:5 (NAB)

“Let everyone see that you are considerate in all you do. Remember, the Lord is coming soon.” Philippians 4:5 (NLT)

“Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near.” Philippians 4:5 (NIV)

God turns people around with kindness…We need to take a cue

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Make Others Feel Taller NOT Smaller

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Make Others Feel Taller NOT Smaller! - Great post from HappyHealthyandProsperous.com

Make Others Feel Taller NOT Smaller

Most people are drawn to the type of people who make others feel taller not smaller.  People like to be around other people who make them feel better about themselves.  In general, people pull away from and don’t like to be around those who make them feel bad about themselves.  Nobody likes to be around people who are cruel, mean, and rude (especially if that’s their typical nature most of the time).  This type of behavior is a sure-fire way to cut people out of your life!  It’s like the wrong end of a magnet repelling people…pushing them away instead of drawing them in.

People are drawn to those who make them feel good about themselves.  On a side note…Did you know that’s a significant factor in why many people have affairs?  It’s not that they necessarily like the other person that much.  It’s that they like themselves better when they’re around that person.  In affairs, those other people (i.e. affair partners) make them feel better about themselves.  

People like to be around other people who make them feel better about themselves.

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Someone made me feel smaller

I have been around people who have made me feel smaller NOT taller on a number of occasions.  Several years ago, I was involved in a situation that, quite honestly, made me feel like crap.  I was around someone who felt the need to “tell me the truth” because “true friends tell the truth”.  It made me feel very badly about myself, about how I looked, and about the mistakes I made.  I honestly felt I couldn’t do anything right, and even when I tried, that too was criticized.  It had a tendency to make me dread being around this person in particular.  Have you ever felt like that?  It’s pretty miserable.  Thankfully, I’m getting better about dealing with these feelings (okay…after a few tearful moments), but the initial feelings are very real nonetheless.

After being on the receiving end of hurtful situations like this, I wanted to make sure that I’M not a person who does this to others.  I wanted to be sure I was the kind of person that will make others feel taller not smaller.  So, I compiled a list of “Do’s” and “Don’ts” of practical steps that each of us can take to make sure we are NOT the kind of person that is like the wrong end of a magnet that repels people.  (I actually compiled this list on my phone at 3:00 am in the morning after the bad experience I mentioned earlier because I couldn’t sleep due to being so hurt and angry!)

I, too, have been guilty of making others feel smaller, not taller

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Promote Unity

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Promote unity

In last week’s post we talked about God’s desire for unity among his people and his intentions and will for us to be peacemakers. We discussed how that if God desires unity, then we can expect opposition from Satan striving to instigate division and strife. The devil will set up some very tempting traps that can easily and sometimes unknowingly lure us right into division. We previously discussed some ways to evaluate ourselves and our intentions in order to avoid Satan’s traps of engaging in divisive behavior. In this post we’ll address some practical ways to create and promote unity and how to avoid activities or communication that would produce strife or division.

This is by no means an exhaustive or comprehensive list of all of the possible and effective strategies for promoting unity. However, these are a few practical things that we can each start putting into practice right now in our everyday lives as we engage with others. We can all do better to engage in and promote unity with the people we encounter both in person and online.

Unity IS possible…because of Jesus

First we need to realize that the ability to have and promote unity is possible. There can be unity in and because of Jesus Christ. He took two very opposing groups of people and created unity. With Jesus it is possible to remove hostility and bring peace.

“But now you have been united with Christ Jesus. Once you were far away from God, but now you have been brought near to him through the blood of Christ. For Christ himself has brought peace to us. He united Jews and Gentiles into one people when, in his own body on the cross, he broke down the wall of hostility that separated us. He did this by ending the system of law with its commandments and regulations. He made peace between Jews and Gentiles by creating in himself one new people from the two groups. Together as one body, Christ reconciled both groups to God by means of his death on the cross, and our hostility toward each other was put to death.” Ephesians 2:13-16 (NLT)

I loved this quote that I read in one of my Bible reading plans:

“Unity is a keystone element of Jesus’ work on the cross. You have likely experienced the devastatingly divisive power of sin. Sin separates us from God and from each other. But at the cross, Jesus demolished the divisive power of sin. That is why the whole point of Christ’s work was to reconcile that which was pulled apart.

Stories from the book of Acts also show us that God’s work multiplies unity. In so many places throughout Acts, powerful moves of God are associated with believers being of one heart and mind. This unity was not only of a spiritual nature, but also a tangible and visible unity with solutions to real-world problems.

…God is looking for opportunities to multiply unity, because work done in unity among the people of God releases the power of God.”[1]

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A keystone, like unity, holds things together

It mentions that “unity is a keystone element”. A keystone is the central stone at the top of an arch that holds and locks it all together. Keystones reconcile or bring two sides together holding them in a stable position. God did this kind of reconciling on earth through his son, Jesus. Because of what Jesus did we were united back to God and can be united back with people. Operating in unity and peace instead of division, strife, and hostility IS possible!

Love can create and promote unity

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Are You Creating Unity or Division?

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Are You Creating Unity or Division?

The theme of “unity” has come up quite a few times over the past year or more in my readings, journaling, and prayer time. It’s not surprising due to the fact that there has been so much division in the world these days. So many things keep us divided…politics, racial issues, public health issues, gender and sexual identity/orientation issues, theology issues, etc. We truly are a broken world, and only God can mend and unite. He is the source of all unity, and he truly desires unity, not divisiveness.

Unfortunately some of the nastiest and most divisive people are Christians, which I believe saddens God. He wants us to be known by our demonstration of love.

“By this everyone will know that you are my disciples, if you love one another.” John 13:35 (NIV)

I decided to compile my journal notes and scriptures on the matter to write about after experiencing and seeing some divisive interactions myself this past week. This week we’ll look at what God’s heart is on the matter of unity and some ways to measure our hearts and motives against scripture. In the next post, we’ll look at some practical ways to promote unity.

Divisive interactions

I’ve written before that I unfortunately get a lot of hateful emails and comments on my blog, many of them from Christians. I received yet another divisive comment last week (which was not approved/posted since it didn’t adhere to my comment policy). The comment seemed to serve no other purpose than to attempt to cause strife, division, and condemnation. It was definitely not helpful, encouraging, or promoting peace or love in any way to myself or my readers.

Additionally, I saw some other passive-aggressive comments responding to a photo that Beth Moore had posted on Instagram. It was a cute photo that her daughter had taken of her dog crammed in a chair behind Beth while she was trying to read her Bible. Someone had replied with a couple of comments about posting pictures of yourself reading your Bible, indirectly insinuating that maybe these are not genuine and that it puts focus on yourself instead of on God. These comments stirred up quite a storm of conflict, especially amongst Beth Moore’s fans against this commenter. Bam! Division! Strife created; unity gone.

I found myself asking, “Why do people do this? Why do they feel the need to say something…to correct or condemn others…to give their two cents? Do they genuinely think that their comments and interactions are helpful? Do they not see how this fuels a fire of conflict and division? Why do people get sucked in?”

It’s a trap of the devil that so many of us can easily get lured into.

Divisiveness and disunity are a trap of the devil that so many of us can easily get lured into.

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Avoid the trap

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7 Ways to Cope With an Annoying Friend

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Learn 7 ways to cope with an annoying friend...

7 Ways to Cope With an Annoying Friend

**Updated: Originally posted 5/5/2015

I’ve discovered with age that people tend to get on my nerves a lot more.  I don’t like people as easily as I used to.  Quite frankly, I have less patience to put up with people’s crap.  This has sometimes made it difficult for me to create relationships with people that annoy me.  I went through a period several years ago where I was having to relearn how to be a friend.

It was actually kind of weird and awkward.  I always considered myself a person who makes friends easily.  I had a lot of friends in high school, in college, and at work.  Unfortunately though, due to seasons in life, transitions, and seasons of friendships, there was a period where I found myself with fewer close friends than I used to have.  I just assumed making close friends would be easy, a piece of cake.  I had a wake-up call–it wasn’t!  It takes work.  I had to be a lot more intentional and purposeful about it.

Something I learned was that I had to put myself out there and step outside of my comfort zone a lot.  I had to place myself in settings where making and cultivating friendships was possible.  Through that process there were a lot of people that I just flat-out didn’t like.  They were annoying!  Who wants an annoying friend?  Therefore, I would immediately write a lot of people off…

Annoying friend alert!!  She’s a know-it-all (imagine a loud buzzer sound here)

Annoying friend alert!!  She talks too much (buzzer sound again)

Annoying friend alert!!  She talks like an immature teenager (another buzzer sound)

Annoying friend alert!!  She’s selfish, always wants to do things her way, interrupts me all the time, brags too much… (buzzer, buzzer, buzzer)

Common denominator

I’m sure you get the picture.  I could go on and on about why I decided someone would be an annoying friend.  The thing is, it seemed like anyone I met somehow got on my nerves.  Then I realized… Continue reading →

What Does the Bible Say About Apologizing?

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What Does the Bible Say About Apologizing?

Someone recently said to me that you can’t find someone saying “I’m sorry” anywhere in the Bible. In all honesty, it’s an accurate statement…to an extent. Those exact words may not have been used (depending on the translation you use). Even so, I had never heard the word “yeet” until my teenagers started using it this past year (insert rolling eyes and face slap). Although the exact words “I’m sorry” might not be mentioned in scripture, there most certainly is much discussion about confession (to God and others), repentance, seeking forgiveness, and making peace. The terminology and exact wording may just look a little different.

So what DOES the Bible say about apologizing?

Apologizing requires humility

Apologizing takes humility, and humility is a character that God greatly values! When we humble ourselves and apologize to others (which can almost always be extremely difficult to do), we are showing honor and respect to those we have wronged. Apologizing comes from a humbled heart, and God honors and favors this trait.

“But he gives us more grace. That is why Scripture says: “God opposes the proud but shows favor to the humble.”” James 4:6 (NIV)

“Humble yourselves before the Lord, and he will lift you up in honor.” James 4:10 (NLT)

“In the same way, you who are younger, submit yourselves to your elders. All of you, clothe yourselves with humility toward one another, because, “God opposes the proud but shows favor to the humble.”” 1 Peter 5:5 (NIV)

“Though the LORD is great, he cares for the humble, but he keeps his distance from the proud.” Psalm 138:6 (NLT)

“The LORD mocks the mockers but is gracious to the humble.” Proverbs 3:34 (NLT)

“Pride ends in humiliation, while humility brings honor.” Proverbs 29:23 (NLT)

“But those who exalt themselves will be humbled, and those who humble themselves will be exalted.” Matthew 23:12 (NLT)

Apologizing consists of confess your sins and making reconciliation

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Don’t Be Surprised When People Hate You

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Don’t Be Surprised When People Hate You

Lately, I’ve come across some opposition in a variety of areas. Unfortunately in some of those instances I’ve had to deal with a fair amount of disrespect. It’s been so frustrating because I feel like I’ve handled everything right by correcting in love, affirming and pointing out the good, yet firmly setting boundaries. Even in the midst of showing love, help, and support, I received disdain in return. “Hate” is the word reverberating to me, and that hurts because I’ve done NOTHING to deserve hate. I am legitimately surprised when people hate me. After all, I’m a pretty likable person!

Then one day, after some prayer (and a good amount of tears) I remembered that Jesus experienced undeserved hate. He told us we should expect it too. We shouldn’t be surprised when people hate us.

“And everyone will hate you because you are my followers.” Luke 21:17 (NLT)

“And all nations will hate you because you are my followers. But everyone who endures to the end will be saved.” Matthew 10:22 (NLT)

“And everyone will hate you because you are my followers. But the one who endures to the end will be saved.” Mark 13:13 (NLT)

“Hear this message from the LORD, all you who tremble at his words: “Your own people hate you and throw you out for being loyal to my name. ‘Let the LORD be honored!’ they scoff. ‘Be joyful in him!’ But they will be put to shame.” Isaiah 66:5 (NLT)

“Yes, and everyone who wants to live a godly life in Christ Jesus will suffer persecution.” 2 Timothy 3:12 (NLT)

“They will be unloving and unforgiving; they will slander others and have no self-control. They will be cruel and hate what is good.” 2 Timothy 3:3 (NLT)

When people hate you…Welcome to my world

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How to Validate Others

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How to Validate Others

How to Validate Others

Updated Post (*originally published 8/14/14)

“A friend loves you all the time, and a brother helps in time of trouble.” Proverbs 17:17 (NCV)

Humans have a need for validation.   More recently I’ve become more acutely aware of this.  Some of you make be thinking, “What the heck does she mean by validate?  Isn’t that where you get verification of visiting someplace to get out of paying the parking fees?!”  Well, that’s one definition!  However, I’m talking about the kind of validation where we verify and recognize that a person’s feelings are indeed genuine and show understanding of those feelings.

I have been hurt by well-meaning friends, family and even my husband at times because they failed to validate my feelings about a situation.  Most of the time my feelings are either minimized or judged, and then I feel like there’s something wrong with me.  I HATE the emotion of leaving a conversation feeling worse than when I started.

Some wise advice

My sister, Shawna, said it perfectly once (she’s very wise 🙂 AND a very good validator by the way):

“Some people are not empathizers.  They are not gifted at seeing through other’s eyes or trying to feel through their feelings.  People often play the devil’s advocate, when all we need ‘in this moment’ is to feel understood, to feel someone try to comprehend our frustrations.  Sometimes playing the devil’s advocate is not what people need in their first moments.  Often they need to be understood first.  When you get your feelings out (and often out-of-the-way) THEN you can look at things constructively for purpose and dealing with the situation.”

See!  Isn’t she wise?  She hit the nail on the head.  Also, to validate someone does NOT mean that you have to agree with them or believe that they are right.  Most of the time people just need to feel heard, not that you agree with them. 

When you get your feelings validated THEN you can look at things constructively.

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When people are not validated properly, sometimes damage is done to a relationship.  Trust may be lost.  Emotional distance may be created.  A feeling of “safety” in pouring their heart out to you may dissipate.  If invalidation continues and becomes a pattern, the relationship may be replaced with another that does provide validation, or worse, the relationship may be severed completely.

Practical Steps–Follow these do’s and don’ts of validation:

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