Talk Less, Listen More
Do you guys know people who talk too much? You know the ones… The people who when they start talking everyone else’s internal dialogue starts to silently scream, “Oh, here we go again! Can you just shut up already!?” Unfortunately, it seems to be these talkative people who don’t seem to grasp the concept of talk less, listen more.
This has come up quite a few times recently in various settings. I often have to revisit this issue with my students in my college classes, in my Glory House classes, and in my youth small group. Listening is a critical part of communication—just as important, if not more so, than speaking. You’ve probably heard that God gave us two ears and one mouth for a reason—we should be listening twice as much as we speak. In fact, James 1:19 advises us to be quick to hear and slow to speak.
The harm of talking too much
I’ve written before in my post about KMS (Keep Mouth Shut), that this is a lesson that I’ve unfortunately had to learn. Additionally, learning how to KMS and talk less has been one of the hardest lessons (and ongoing for that matter) to master. I’ve seen firsthand some of the damage it can cause when we talk too much.
- It hurts relationships
- We come off looking like a fool
- We lose credibility
- Too much talk can lead to sin
- We look arrogant, like a know-it-all, and come across as selfish
- We can appear to be inconsiderate and disrespectful
Scriptures to encourage us to talk less…
“…So let your words be few.” Ecclesiastes 5:2b (NLT)
“…many words mark the speech of a fool.” Ecclesiastes 5:2 (NLT)
“In the multitude of words sin is not lacking, but he who restrains his lips is wise.” Proverbs 10:19 (NKJV)
“Too much talk leads to sin. Be sensible and keep your mouth shut.” Proverbs 10:19 (NLT)
“A truly wise person uses few words; a person with understanding is even-tempered. Even fools are thought wise when they keep silent; with their mouths shut, they seem intelligent.” Proverbs 17:27-28 (NLT)
“The Lord will fight for you, and you shall hold your peace and remain at rest.” Exodus 14:14 (AMP)
“In the same way, you wives must accept the authority of your husbands. Then, even if some refuse to obey the Good News, your godly lives will speak to them without any words. They will be won over by observing your pure and reverent lives. Don’t be concerned about the outward beauty of fancy hairstyles, expensive jewelry, or beautiful clothes. You should clothe yourselves instead with the beauty that comes from within, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is so precious to God.” 1 Peter 3:1-4 (NLT)
A personal example of the need to talk less, listen more
When I think of a time that I personally needed to take heed of this talk less, listen more lesson a specific instance immediately comes to mind. It honestly makes me sick to my stomach and so ashamed when I think back about how my big mouth had a negative impact.
Several years ago Eric was attempting to get into the habit of regular, daily bible reading. One day he approached me to tell me about something that had read that day in John 1. I remember getting so excited that he actually wanted to talk about spiritual things with me (this was new), and I was also elated because I, too, had just read something interesting about John 1.
As soon as he started talking, I interrupted him and cut him off, sharing all of my “wisdom and insights” on the topic. He couldn’t get a word in edgewise and was visibly frustrated. That didn’t stop me though. I just kept spewing off at the mouth until he said, “Never mind.” I tried to backtrack then and give him an opportunity to share, but by then the damage had already been done. My intentions were good, but the outcome was not.
Here was a moment that I had been praying about—that my husband and I could be more intimate spiritually. Now I had gone and ruined the very thing that I had prayed for. It was years before he would open up to me like that again. To this day I regret so much that I didn’t learn to talk less and listen more.
Other examples…
Similarly, I have to use teachable moments like mine to share about the damage of talking too much. In my college classes, there is often at least one student in every class that lacks a bit of social skills and the ability to read cues that they may need to talk less. Frequently these students will be the first to answer questions out loud and monopolize class discussions. This in turn disheartens other students who may have things to add to the conversation but feel like they can’t participate.
This happens in both my classes at Glory House and with the girls in my youth small group at church too. Some of our “talkers” tend to monopolize conversations which prohibits others from talking, sharing, or even seeking help. This hurts their interpersonal relationships and causes them to look foolish to others in the group/class. Then when they DO have something insightful to say they are often dismissed and ignored. This also potentially keeps others from getting the help that they need if they don’t have an opportunity to speak as well.
I’ve even had to share a harsh reality with them. I tell them that without actually coming right out and saying these words, they are sending a message that says, “I’m more important than you. What I have to say is more important and more valuable than what you have to say, so I’m going to dominate this conversation.” Nobody would really ever come right out and say those things, but when they hijack discussions that’s exactly what they are saying, just indirectly.
So many of us are guilty of this. So what can we do?
Take Some Practical Steps to Talk Less and Listen More:
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First and foremost, purpose to talk less and listen more.
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Secondly, realize that when you talk too much you can damage relationships and your own reputation (see examples above).
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Next, don’t interrupt people when they’re talking!
Even if you have something to say, choose instead to talk less. Determine that you will NOT interrupt others when they are speaking, either with a disagreement, a question, an opinion or story that you’re excited to tell. If you must interrupt, apologize and explain first…”I’m sorry, I’m going to interrupt you for a second because…”
“Whoever gives an answer before he listens is stupid and shameful.” Proverbs 18:13 (GW)
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Determine an appropriate time to interject your own opinions and questions OR if it’s even necessary to do so.
Sometimes when you talk less it can have more of an effect than your words can. You’ve heard the saying “less is more”. The bible even says that we can win people over without saying a word.
“Wives, in the same way submit yourselves to your own husbands so that, if any of them do not believe the word, they may be won over without words by the behavior of their wives” 1 Peter 3:1 (NIV)
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Let your words have purpose and meaning–don’t talk just to talk.
Some people just talk to hear themselves talk. They don’t make any attempts to really listen to someone else. Some people just want to air their own opinions (or stories) whether asked or not. This is often foolish and counterproductive. Something I try to do now in my church small group or other group settings is limit myself to only 1-2 interjections that I feel might be beneficial or helpful. This kind of ties in with the last point too about picking when to interject.
“Fools have no interest in understanding; they only want to air their own opinions.” Proverbs 18:2 (NLT)
“When you talk, do not say harmful things, but say what people need—words that will help others become stronger. Then what you say will do good to those who listen to you.” Ephesians 4:29 (NCV)
“My mouth shall speak words of wisdom, my heart shall offer insights” Psalms 49:4 (NABRE)
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Try not to offer unsolicited advice.
Most have good intentions when offering up bits of wisdom and advice, but oftentimes it’s unwanted and even unneeded. Some people just need a listening ear and/or some validation.
Where might God be encouraging you to talk less? How have you been affected by others who need to learn how to talk less? Tell us about it by leaving a comment below.
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