Unequally Yoked Friendships

“Do not be unequally yoked with unbelievers. For what partnership has righteousness with lawlessness? Or what fellowship has light with darkness?” 2 Corinthians 6:14 (ESV)

As a college instructor, a church youth small group leader, and a parent of a teen, I get the opportunity to work with a lot of teens and young adults. A frequent conversation that comes up in each of these roles is that of friendships and choosing friends wisely. Even more specifically, we discuss “unequally yoked friendships” and when/why to engage in them or avoid them.

What does unequally yoked actually mean?

The bible often uses agricultural terms due to the relevance to the culture of that time. People could more easily understand spiritual principles when described with an agricultural analogy because it was relatable to something they already knew and understood.

A “yoke” is a wooden crosspiece, harness, or device that is fastened over the necks of two draft animals (usually oxen) and attached to the plow or cart that they are to pull (see the picture at the top of this post). “Yoke” is also a verb meaning to join, link, or unite something. Therefore, to unequally yoke two animals would be to join or link two animals together that are unequal in size, strength, or capability or to link two different kinds of animals (Deuteronomy 22:10).

If a person were to plow a field with unequally yoked animals, we could probably imagine the problems that could arise…uneven plowing or circular plowing, the smaller/weaker animal can’t keep up, the larger/stronger animal gets slowed down, more burden is put on the larger/stronger animal, etc. The uneven match puts the animals at odds with one another preventing them from being able to work together to perform the task set before them.

What does it mean when applied to our relationships and not team animals?

Therefore, as a relational analogy to be unequally yoked refers to linking, joining, or uniting two people that are not likeminded or differ in morals, values, and/or beliefs. Specifically in 2 Corinthians 6:14 it mentions not to be yoked with unbelievers, in other words, not to be spiritually mismatched.

Does it only apply to dating or marriage?

The term “unequally yoked” is most often referred to with regard to a dating relationship and/or marriage. However, does it apply only to dating or marriage? No.

I think who we link to, join or unite with all have potential ramifications, regardless of the nature of the relationship, friendships included. I believe the relationships to which this principle applies include:

• • Anyone you do life with for the long haul
  • Those with whom you would spend a significant amount of time
  • Those who have the power to influence you the most
  • In other words…your most important and influential relationships

Subsequently, this would NOT include mere acquaintances or casual friends.

But wasn’t Jesus called a friend of sinners?

Yes he was! (Matthew 11:19, Luke 7:34, Luke 15:2) Jesus came for the sinners.

“When the teachers of the law who were Pharisees saw him eating with the sinners and tax collectors, they asked his disciples: “Why does he eat with tax collectors and sinners?” On hearing this, Jesus said to them, “It is not the healthy who need a doctor, but the sick. I have not come to call the righteous, but sinners.”” Mark 2:16-17 (NIV)

“For the Son of Man came to seek and save those who are lost.” Luke 19:10 (NLT)

That being said, I love the following quote from this article:

“Jesus was a friend of sinners not because he winked at sin, ignored sin, or enjoyed light-hearted revelry with those engaged in immorality. Jesus was a friend of sinners in that he came to save sinners and was very pleased to welcome sinners who were open to the gospel, sorry for their sins, and on their way to putting their faith in Him.”^[1]

As we read the bible, we can clearly see in scripture that Jesus was a friend of sinners without engaging in the sin and without condoning and/or overlooking the sin. However, Jesus DID love them where they were at. I think it’s also important to note that these sinners that he befriended were not his best and closest friends, nor the people with whom he spent the most time.

Let me tell you a story to get more practical.

A relevant story…

About a year ago I had been having an ongoing conversation with one of the teens/young adults that I work with about some issues with which she had been struggling. As I was praying for her one morning, the words “her friends” came to mind. I had a feeling that God was saying that she needed to reevaluate her friends and those who had influence on her.

I texted her and told her that I had this “random” thought and shared that it’s very important that the people who we spend the most time with should be likeminded in faith and values. She replied back that this was probably a really big part of what had been happening. Then she mentioned that the girl that she hangs out with and talks to the most isn’t likeminded.

She then went on to say that she really loved her though and how this friend had been with her through thick and thin and shared multiple classes with her. Next she asked if I thought that God wanted her to give this friend up or if she just needed to make stronger bonds with likeminded people.

My response…

“To answer your question about giving her up or making stronger bonds…I really think you’re just going to need to listen to God about that one.

I think in MOST cases, the best thing would be to step away from the friendship (at least for a season). Or “prune” that friendship to make room for some healthy spiritual growth in your life.

“He cuts off every branch in me that bears no fruit, while every branch that does bear fruit he prunes so that it will be even more fruitful.” John 15:2 (NIV)

And yes, definitely still make stronger bonds with likeminded people.

There’s nothing wrong with befriending sinners. In fact Jesus was persecuted for that very thing. How would we make an impact on them and introduce them to Jesus if not? …However when the influence becomes reversed, that’s a major problem and an indicator that you’re spending too much time (and possibly have lost your own influence at that point). Yes, Jesus was a friend of sinners, BUT they were not his closest friends or the people that he spent the most time with. Those people [who he spent the most time with] were his 12…and even of his 12 he had 3 really tight knit friends (who ONLY were likeminded)-Peter, James, and John.

Verse on this matter about our close relationships (in different translations):

“Do not be unequally bound together with unbelievers [do not make mismatched alliances with them, inconsistent with your faith]. For what partnership can righteousness have with lawlessness? Or what fellowship can light have with darkness?” 2 Corinthians 6:14 (AMP)

“Do not try to work together as equals with unbelievers, for it cannot be done. How can right and wrong be partners? How can light and darkness live together?” 2 Corinthians 6:14 (GNT)

“Don’t become partners with those who reject God. How can you make a partnership out of right and wrong? That’s not partnership; that’s war. Is light best friends with dark? Does Christ go strolling with the Devil? Do trust and mistrust hold hands? Who would think of setting up pagan idols in God’s holy Temple? But that is exactly what we are, each of us a temple in whom God lives. God himself put it this way: “I’ll live in them, move into them; I’ll be their God and they’ll be my people. So leave the corruption and compromise; leave it for good,” says God. “Don’t link up with those who will pollute you. I want you all for myself. I’ll be a Father to you; you’ll be sons and daughters to me.” The Word of the Master, God.” 2 Corinthians 6:14-18 (MSG)

Here is a related blog post that I wrote a couple years ago that might help too: A Letter to My Teenage Niece on Unhealthy Friendships”

Friendship without “yoking”

Jesus was indeed a friend of sinners, and so are we called to be–Matthew 28:19, Mark 16:15. However, he was not unequally yoked with sinners.

Jesus came to be a light in the darkness, a hope to the hopeless, peace for the anxious, a way for the lost, and so much more. Our commission is the same by Jesus, and the Holy Spirit, working through us. We cannot fulfill this mission without befriending and loving sinners (always remembering that we TOO are sinners! Romans 3:23, Romans 5:12).

Nevertheless, we are not to be unequally yoked with unbelievers. We can form a friendship without yoking. In other words, we are not to form partnerships, strong bonds, or mismatched alliances with those whose faith is inconsistent with ours. To be yoked, you have to be close. Some people we may just need to keep at arm’s length.

Take Some Practical Steps for Unequally Yoked Friendships:

• First, determine if you do indeed have unequally yoked friendships.

Do you have strong or deep friendships with people who are not likeminded, whose faith is inconsistent with yours, or who is spiritually mismatched with you? Think about the people you spend the most time with or who have the most influence on you. Do they have similar faith, beliefs, morals and values?

• Next, seek God’s direction on what to do with those unequally yoked friendships.

You’ll need to spend some time in prayer asking God if you need to cut ties with those people (either permanently or temporarily), reduce the amount of time you spend with them, or just start spending more time with those who are likeminded. Listen closely for God’s direction, not your own preferences. Caution: this part might sting a little.

• Finally, do still love on and reach out to those who are not likeminded—just be cautious of becoming too close.

Keep people who are not likeminded at arm’s length and limit your exposure. Be casual, not close. My best advice here is just to follow the Holy Spirit’s leading. If you’re paying attention, you should feel some promptings, warnings, or cautions if there is a potential danger of unequally yoking or if you’re getting too close.

How have you dealt with unequally yoked friendships? Tell us about it by leaving a comment below!

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1. DeYoung, Kevin. “Jesus, Friend of Sinners: But How?” The Gospel Coalition, The Gospel Coalition, 4 Mar. 2014, www.thegospelcoalition.org/blogs/kevin-deyoung/jesus-friend-of-sinners-but-how/. ↑