Unmet Needs and Expectations in Relationships
My sister just shared a story with me that she saw on Facebook, and I’d like to share it with you here too. I didn’t write this story, and unfortunately I do not know the author in order to give due credit. You may have already heard or read this story because it has been reposted on the internet a number of times over the past few years. It’s a story of unmet needs and expectations in marriage. I loved it so much because I think so many people can relate.
A Story of Unmet Needs and Expectations…
My husband is an Engineer by profession, I love him for his steady nature, and I love the warm feeling when I lean against his broad shoulders. Three years of courtship and now, two years into marriage, I would have to admit, that I am getting tired of it. The reasons of me loving him before, has now transformed into the cause of all my restlessness.
I am a sentimental woman and extremely sensitive when it comes to a relationship and my feelings. I yearn for the romantic moments, like a little girl yearning for candy. My husband is my complete opposite. His lack of sensitivity and the inability of bringing romantic moments into our marriage has disheartened me about love.
One day, I finally decided to tell him my decision, that I wanted a divorce.
“Why?” he asked, shocked. “I am tired, there are no reasons for everything in the world!” I answered. He kept silent the whole night, seems to be in deep thought with a lighted cigarette at all times. My feeling of disappointment only increased. Here was a man who can’t even express his predicament. What else can I hope from him? And finally he asked me, “What can I do to change your mind?”
Somebody said it right–it’s hard to change a person’s personality, and I guess, I have started losing faith in him. Looking deep into his eyes I slowly answered, “Here is the question. If you can answer and convince my heart, I will change my mind. Let’s say I want a flower located on the face of a mountain cliff, and we both are sure that picking the flower will cause your death. Will you do it for me?” He said, “I will give you your answer tomorrow….” My hopes just sank by listening to his response.
I woke up the next morning to find him gone, and I saw a piece of paper with his scratchy handwriting underneath a milk glass on the dining table near the front door, that goes… “My dear, I would not pick that flower for you, but please allow me to explain the reasons further…” This first line was already breaking my heart. I continued reading.
“When you use the computer you always mess up the Software programs, and you cry in front of the screen. I have to save my fingers so that I can help to restore the programs. You always leave the house keys behind; thus I have to save my legs to rush home to open the door for you. You love traveling but always lose your way in a new city. I have to save my eyes to show you the way. You always have the cramps whenever your “good friend” approaches every month. I have to save my palms so that I can calm the cramps in your tummy.
You like to stay indoors, and I worry that you will be infected by infantile autism. I have to save my mouth to tell you jokes and stories to cure your boredom. You always stare at the computer, and that will do nothing good for your eyes. I have to save my eyes so that when we grow old, I can help to clip your nails and help to remove those annoying white hairs, and so I can also hold your hand while strolling down the beach as you enjoy the sunshine and the beautiful sand… and tell you the color of flowers, just like the color of the glow on your young face… Thus, my dear, unless I am sure that there is someone who loves you more than I do… I could not pick that flower yet, and die.”
My tears fell on the letter, and blurred the ink of his handwriting… and as I continue on reading… “Now, that you have finished reading my answer, if you are satisfied, please open the front door for I am standing outside bringing your favorite bread and fresh milk.” I rushed to pull open the door and saw his anxious face, clutching tightly with his hands, the milk bottle and loaf of bread.
Now I am very sure that no one will ever love me as much as he does, and I have decided to leave the flower alone.
That’s life and love. When one is surrounded by love, the feeling of excitement fades away, and one tends to ignore the true love that lies in between the peace and dullness.
Love shows up in all forms, even very small and cheeky forms. It has never been a model; it could be the most dull and boring form. Flowers and romantic moments are only used and appear on the surface of the relationship. Under all this, the pillar of true love stands… and that’s our life. Love, not words, wins arguments.
When reading this I had mixed emotions. At first it was anger at this woman who would consider divorce over something so menial as a lack of romance. Then I was mad when I saw her lack of communication. To me she just seemed to assume that her husband knew she wanted romance (or even what romance meant to her), and then she refused to communicate that she had unmet needs and expectations when stating she wanted a divorce. I mean, who does that?!
Then I was embarrassed, because I was quietly reminded that I too have felt some of those same feelings, and I too have refused to communicate about my “unmet needs and expectations”. I also felt guilty. I remembered having thoughts like “I wish my husband could be more like that” when I would read romance novels or watch romantic comedies.
I think men and women crave different things in marriage and relationships. Often women crave (and culture/society teaches us to expect) romance and whim. Those cravings can then turn into expectations. Women expect men to automatically be romantic. For some reason we also expect men to know what that consists of, even though that differs from person to person. We get this notion that if we have to tell them, then it’s not romantic anymore…like it’s more romantic if they are mind-readers or something! It wasn’t until I attended a women’s bible study several years ago that I learned how toxic those things can be. I learned that maybe my unmet needs and expectations are really just unrealistic expectations (read more about it in What 15 Years of Marriage Has Taught Me).
Sometimes our unrealistic expectations aren’t necessarily what we expect them to do (like being romantic). These things aren’t wrong. The unrealistic expectation is that we expect our spouse/significant other to automatically know what our expectations are and to do them without us having to tell them or communicate what we want. We unrealistically expect people to read our mind and to know what we like and want without being told. This is a recipe for disaster and results in unmet needs/wants and discontent.
On top of all of that, we also miss that maybe, just maybe, true love IS being shown all along, and we’ve just been blind to it. We overlook the simple. We don’t recognize the differences of love languages. Our unmet needs and expectations might just be being met after all—we just don’t recognize the ways that they are being demonstrated or manifested (see more about that here).
Lastly, looking at relationships only for what you can get out of them is purely selfish. If we are only seeing our unmet needs and expectations, it’s possible that we are only seeing through our selfish motives. True love serves and gives. It’s what God did, and God is love.
“Whoever does not love does not know God, because God is love.” 1 John 4:8 (NIV)
“For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life.” John 3:16 (NIV)
It’s what Jesus did, and he demonstrated the greatest love of all.
“There is no greater love than to lay down one’s life for one’s friends.” John 15:13 (NLT)
Love puts the other person and their needs first.
“As for you, my friends, you were called to be free. But do not let this freedom become an excuse for letting your physical desires control you. Instead, let love make you serve one another.” Galatians 5:13 (GNT)
“This is how we know what love is: Jesus Christ laid down his life for us. And we ought to lay down our lives for our brothers and sisters.” 1 John 3:16 (NIV)
“It [love] does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.” 1 Corinthians 13:5 (NIV)
Take Some Practical Steps to Evaluate Your Unmet Needs and Expectations in Your Relationships:
- Consider that maybe your unmet needs and expectations just might be met after all and that maybe you just haven’t recognized the attempts. Go read or re-read this post on How to Recognize Love and Feel Loved by Others, and discover how your spouse/significant other may be showing you love in a different love language. You might be missing the love that’s all around you without even realizing it (much like the woman in the story).
- Recognize and learn when your unmet needs and expectations might actually be unrealistic expectations. Do you expect things from your spouse/significant other that you’ve never communicated to them? Are you expecting them to do things that really only happen in books, on TV, or on the internet? Just because things happen in stories and on TV doesn’t mean that it’s real life! I know that should be common sense, but for many of us we need reminders.
- Communicate! Tell your spouse/significant other what your needs, desires and wants are. Don’t expect them to be able to read your mind or to automatically know. Tell them, and then drops hints from time to time. Think of it as training! 😉 For example, when Eric used to come home from the convenience store with a drink and snack, I would say, “Man, I sure wish you would’ve picked up a Snickers bar for me. That would’ve made me feel really loved knowing that you thought of me and bought me something that you know I like since my love language is gifts and acts of service…hint, hint!” Now he occasionally surprises me with all kinds of things when he comes home from work or from the store! 🙂
- Limit or eliminate your exposure to things that cause you to develop unrealistic expectations. This means to limit the amount of books, movies, magazine or blog articles, and internet material (this includes pornography, which should be eliminated completely because of its harmful effects on relationships—some free information and resources are located here if you would like to learn more about that). Basically you should limit or eliminate anything that causes you to compare your spouse/significant other and make you wish that they were more like what you see and read about. My gauge is that when I start thinking, “I wish Eric would be more like that or do that…”, then I know it’s time to back off of the movies and books for a while (or even eliminate them completely depending of my level of discontent).
- If you have been disappointed in relationships, ask yourself, “What have I brought to the table? Have I been putting in what I expect to get out? Am I attempting to make withdrawals where I have not made deposits? Does my spouse/significant other have unmet needs and expectations that I am not fulfilling? Have I truly been putting them first and serving them before expecting them to serve me?” If you aren’t serving, you shouldn’t expect to be served. You also shouldn’t serve with the intention or motive to get served in return. That would be conditional love, not true love. Learn to love and give freely without expecting anything in return. The funny thing is, you get even more in return when you can learn to do this.
- Work on becoming a better person instead of wanting a better person. I’ve said it before…we need to try to become the kind of person that the kind of person we want to be with would want to be with. I know that’s a mouthful. You might have to go back and re-read it slowly. The point is start focusing inwardly instead of outwardly. Focus on you, not them.
Have you discovered that your unmet needs and expectations have really been unrealistic expectations…or maybe they are being met and you just didn’t realize it? Leave a comment below (click on the post link to join the conversation if you’re viewing through e-mail) or take the conversation to your favorite social media channel (sharing links below).
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